7/19/2013

Guess who loves you…. Oh yeah, you are right. SMILE  Oh lawdy, I am exhausted. All I can think about is catching zzz’s but….unless I’m dead (knock on wood) there is no excuse to lose sight of what’s important….!!!! 1-Frank Sinatra, ugg boots and Christmas. Let me expand on this combo-I like all 3 individually, but if you put them all together you have a warm atmosphere full of love and happiness. Frank came on Pandora this morning and man…… my mind wandered all the way to winter and happy happy happy times. I can’t wait for the latter part of the year to come. Makes me have “ants in my pants.” SO VERY THANKFUL that part of me didn’t die when my marriage did. 2- Thinking of what I am thankful for has replaced almost all negativity in my thought process. It’s amazing if you focus on what you are thinking about, you realize you hold the key to the well-being of your life. In addition, I am thankful for those of you who engage, support, listen and/or respond to these emails. It is food for my soul. So thank you to all of you  Sidenote—Reason 2 made me think of song lyrics: “Army of one, rise with the sun, shining for all to see, enemies none, victories won, no negativity, we can be free, we hold the key to own our destiny”  Powerful lyrics if you ask me. 3- I am thankful for all of you. Each one of you have a special/UNIQUE role in my life. If I could only have the ability to convey the space you all take up in my heart…words would never do justice. Just know that I love all of you. 4-And I am thankful that there is a roof over my head and a family I can go home to. Life isn’t always a cake walk but we always make it as a team. I know that at home I am safe and it is where vulnerability doesn’t exist b/c our home runs on unconditional love. It is where my heart is protected. I am thankful for my home, and all of its flaws…. But more than anything I am thankful for the ones I share it with. 5- I checked a couple things off the bucket list. And added a few more. Needless to say-I am glad I am actually chasing my dreams. It is never too late to start living. XO From my heart to yours, Jess-e-ca-ca-ca

7/18/2013

Today has proven to be filled with another opportunity to challenge myself to think beyond my own limits and expand my mind. I opened my email to start typing my “thankful list” this morning and here we are at 12:53 PM and I’m still staring at a blank draft. Pressure is on. Do or die. Hmmmmmm……what am I thankful for? 1- Ludwig Beethoven. I recently started doing research on him as both a composer and individual and so far—I am intrigued. 2- That I got to see “karma” in living color. I let someone go in front of me in traffic this morning and I got to witness him pay it forward to another driver. Loving it! 3- Everyone who has donated or helped me to collect coke tabs for The Ronald McDonald House. I couldn’t make such an impact without a team effort. 4- I am thankful for a brilliant mind. I always feel “conceited” when I acknowledge how smart I am. But I am thankful that I can finally recognize it as a strength. For the majority of my life, I chose to “play stupid.” It is one of my greatest strengths and I’m glad I have become confident enough in myself to actually acknowledge it. 5- I am thankful I left all my jackets here at work. It is freezing. Wearing 2 is great, but I might put on my 3rd one. Brrrrrrrr!

7/17/2013

Morning y’all! Another kind of blah day. Mentally I am on my “A Game,” but my body is screaming “crawl back in bed and go to sleep.” Looks like I am going to need another cup of coffee. Hopefully I won’t have an “out of body experience with my skin crawling from all this coffee” ……LOL. But I must drink it…my coffee cup is way too cute!!!! Anyhow, on to what makes me grateful and not hateful….. Uno-that I decided to wear wedges instead of stilettos. I am just not feeling it today. Yep, I said that! Deuce-I left my cigs at home. I am determined to quit smoking. On to chewing gum. Y’all know I have a huge gum stash. Tres-Kathy Noel. I was so broken when I met her, but I accepted her love even though I didn’t love myself. It was the first step to who I am today. What a journey it has been! Quatro-having all of my “extremities.” When I had tendonitis it was a challenge to use the restroom with one hand. If you don’t believe me, just try doing it one day. Needless to say, I am thankful that I have both arms and legs. And they function properly. Can’t leave that part out.  Cinco- I am thankful for the good, the bad and the ugly. They go hand in hand. Like the laws of physics. Without one we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the other. I will leave you all with this quote. I read it yesterday. Take from it what you may. It is open to your interpretation. “I want to be like water. I want to slip through fingers but hold up a ship.”-Michelle Williams Don’t forget to give your smile away. All you have to give and all that you yearn for in life is free. Sent with a smile, a hug and a kiss Hope your day is full of bliss!  --Jess

7/16/13

Challenge for today: LIST 5 THINGS YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR! Today has been challenging for me due to all of the flack being thrown my way. Man it gets old, but I am proud that I have not allowed any of it to steal my joy!  My things I am thankful for: 1-MY TRUE BLUE FRIENDS BOTH YOUNG AND “MATURE” WHO ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR ME. I KNOW WHO I CAN COUNT ON! WINK, WINK. 2-MUSIC. ALL KINDS. IT INSPIRES ME, AND ALLOWS A PART OF MY SOUL TO LIVE IN FREEDOM AND JOY, ITS SO WEIRD HOW CONNECTED MUSIC MAKES ME FEEL. 3-LAURA BOUDREAUX- FOR HELPING ME THROUGH ONE OF THE HARDEST TIMES IN MY LIFE AND NEVER LOST PATIENCE WITH ME. 4-THAT GOD CAN USE TO ME TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS, AND HE GIVES THE SAME IN RETURN TO ME. 5-KENDRA AND NATASHA. KENDRA BROUGHT ME BREAKFAST AND TASH BROUGHT ME LUNCH. NO SUCH THING AS A QWINKY DINK. THANKING THE MAN ABOVE!!!

7/15/2013

Today I feel mean. I don’t want to be ugly to anyone…I just feel like if I get rubbed the wrong way I might say something I am not proud of. With that being said, it seems like more of a challenge to think of what I am thankful for when I have a bad attitude. The upside is, on a day like today I realize that I am human, and most definitely have room for growth and change. Without further ado, here is what I am thankful for today: 1- The ability to continue to love and pray for someone (from a distance) even though they are constantly berating, negative and condescending towards me. 2- The wisdom to acknowledge opportunities to grow with God. 3- My passion for life, and eyes that see all that is around me, even the “little” things, and to appreciate them. 4- The constant awareness to walk in love, and share that with others. I have a purpose, I just don’t know what it is but I KNOW I am on the right track and hope that I can inspire others.

7/12/2013

Today I am thankful for these things: 1- I found the lipstick I have been searching high and low for yesterday. 2- My mom dried my clothes for me…so I didn’t have to. 3- The fact that I have been able to go through trials without being bitter, and have allowed them to make me that much stronger. 4- The song by Chris Tomlin- “I will follow”…it’s a reminder to keep going in the right direction 5- And for the people who love, understand and accept me unconditionally. Makes life that much more enjoyable.

7/9/13-What makes you grateful not hateful

Hmm, I ponder, what am I thankful for? Let’s see—the opportunity to clear the air with someone important to me, the ability to be able to loosely interpret art and appreciate it at the same time, the ability to laugh with others and at myself, and I am VERY thankful that I finally learned to love myself. I know I have told you the last reason before—but I am reading this book called “how to succeed at being yourself” and man oh man—it’s a good one. If you love yourself then you have that love to give others. And it’s also possible for God to flow. I don’t ever want to get to a point in my life where I am so cut off from God that he can’t flow through me as his child. Oh and I am thankful that my mom made my lunch for me. I could sit here for the next 10 minutes and say 20 more things. Just happy that we are both grounded enough to stop and smell the roses 

Are you in the passenger seat of your life?

Lately when I think of beauty it is only in the terms of inner beauty. While I enjoy having my vain days and staring at myself in the mirror, I am very focused on my inner beauty. The thing is that I have been struggling for a year and a half to find myself, my identity and "fix" myself. While I know I can not "fix" myself I do know that some major changes need to occur for my to move forward in life and do my calling. I have been focused on dealing with my scars (inner beauty) and that has led to an emotional roller coaster of emotions which I would not wish upon my worst enemy. The journey has been treacherous, filled with high highs and low lows. One day I am fine, the next day I am wondering what life would be like without me in it. Although I would never act on these negative thoughts, they are not healthy. I have attendend counseling for the last 7 months and have focused on healing my hurt. Now I am at the fork in the road and have decided " I am going this way" ..I chose a path, committed to it and have begun a new chapter in my own story of healing. I am now focused on being holistically healthy, meaning I am striving to achieve mental, spiritual, verbal, emotional and physical healing. In the grand scheme of things all of the above mentioned are equally as important as each other. However, I couldn't have predicted where I would be now 2 years ago. I started my journey praying to God for years to mold me and use me for his will. Once I got out of college in December of 2009 I felt the highest high. I have felt the appreciation, FAITH, or gratitude since then. In January of 2010 I got very depressed and have been struggling since then to heal, change, grow...whatever u want to call it. I am finally in a good place with my mom, which was one of the biggest challenges when I began counseling. Anyways, I used to pray to god to use me as he saw fit. Looking back, I believe God is currently answering my prayers. Apparently, he believed in me and thought I was strong enough to endure this journey of deep sorrow and sadness. I believe that he has exposed me, my hurt, my most intimate feelings for the world to see. My scars are ever present and to move forward as he sees fit I must be open to him and learn what I need so I can keep pushing forward. Although all of life is consumed with growth and change, I believe my change has been substantial. I have only come to the realization today that God is simply answering my prayer. It's just so weird to me because I didn't even realize it for the last year and a half...Now I am left wondering "what's next?" Who am I supposed to help? How will my words impact others?

This is the part where my heart stays open, I stay in touch with my "gut" and I keep pushing forward. On a shitty day I tell myself that it is part of this journey and on a good day I make sure to be the best me, tell people about God and give him all the glory.

Now, my mind is just a wondering. No more God in the passenger seat. Today, I let God back in. He's my shot caller. I am his servant here to do his will.... I just cant believe it took me so long to wake up...

Sorry for the rambling..its my thoughts in their own "order" and shared with you on a blog.

With love,
Jess

A day for the birds!

today has been hectic since i opened my eyes. i mean, im glad i woke up but everything past that point has been pure torture. i woke up at 12 noon today because i took a sleeping pill last night and it knocked me out. i was already kind of in a rush. i had to be across town for 1 pm so i was a little frantic but not really. as i was getting dressed i went into the bathroom to get my engagement ring. to my surprise it was not there. of course i started freaking out and searching for it like a mad woman. needless to say i couldnt find it. so i left and went across town to go to the meeting i had already scheduled. low and behold my cell phone was at 20% battery which meant that it was going to die. and since honda is a POS they woulnt fix my phone charger in my car without charging me an arm and a leg--so i couldnt charge my phone either. i go to the meeting, it goes well and i leave with my bff to go eat at jasons deli. we eat, everything is fine and then we leave. everything is still ok. i go to kohls and then i leave to go to ulta. i pull into ultas parking lot, park and get out of my car. as i am walking into ulta i see a SUV coming my way so i stop walking. apparently the woman driving was too occupied with her call to notice that i was standing there. she just drives right towards me (keep in mind she is flying through the parking lot) and i raise my hands in the air and start screaming. then i see her daughter start yelling at her. next thing i know she jerks the wheel and misses me. i was startled. and then i thought to myself, i should have moved out of the way but i was like a damn deer in the headlights. i just stood there. anyways, i left and came home and fell asleep. maybe i woke up on the wrong side of the bed...im not sure. what i do know is that today has been one for the books. a day that i want to forget.

goodnight,
jess

Forty 8

Today is my mom's 48th birthday!! I thought I would dedicate a special post to her since it is her birthday. I know my blog is about the struggles that I have endured in my life and my current struggles also. There are many times that I hate my mother, don't pick up the phone, or I am ugly to her. I have been on her butt over the last few months to leave me alone. I have tried to set some sort of boundaries with her and stand firm in what I have "demanded" of her. However, I have to give her kudos because she has really honored my wishes and left me alone. It is to a point where we talk only when I call her. It has been rather relieving for once in my life. The crazy part is I went so long without talking to her that I actually picked up the phone and called her. Weird, I know! Anyways, the point of this post is that at the end of the day I love my mom no matter what shit I have went through in life. Everything I overcame and will overcome only makes me stronger and my story becomes much more powerful (whether it be by fault or not).

So today I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my mother...Angie...Lil Wah Wah... Wangie, Wangela, The Wanginator.... I love you!

xo
Jess