im not proud....im angry again

its 1:27 am. im pissed. i have no clue why. i didnt do anything today--no work, no cleaning in the house....i cooked dinner, did a couple loads of laundry and played on the internet. around 12 am i started doing the dishes and managed to complete all of them. however, in the process of me doing the dishes i got pissed (somehow or another) ....i was too hot, my shirt was sticking to my fat roll, i didnt have enough room to clean all the dishes and put them on the counters to dry...the list goes on and on...all stupid shit to be mad about. no reason at all to be mad.

i have been in a "funk" for the last 3 days and i cant seem to get out of it. im definitly going to try and go to counseling tomorrow so i can work through this. im frustrated because i dont even know what the driving force is behind this anger...normally i can identify why i am mad or at least find a temporary solution. Tonight, for some reason, it just came over me and i couldnt fight it. after i got a bit mad, i asked damien to move a chair for me. i got even more mad because he didnt move the chair fast enough for me. this lead to me screaming at him about his nonresponsiveness to me be upset. this made things that much worse. now i sit on my bed and watch him go through his nightly routine as i type this. im going to say my prayers, tell god how angry i am right now and im going to go to bed and make a conscious choice to wake up tomorrow on the right side of the bed. goodnight.

alot has changed....

For the last 2 months I have only went to counseling 1 time per month... which means I went to counseling 1 time in May, June and thus far July...although the month is not over yet. So many changes have occurred over the past few months and I think I am long overdue for an update...

So here it goes--In April my counseling sessions started getting exceptionally hard... I went at the end of april and had a very deep and vulnerable session where i tried to explain to my counselor all that had went on that i did not know about. previous to this session i had a talk with my mom, or should i say a long fight, and she revealed to me some of her scars and she elaborated on the ones i already knew about. even though i was in total bitch mode on her i wouldnt let her see that i was upset by her story. the parts of her life that she magnified to me were terrible memories that i cant phathom having as a child. it hurt me to see her hurt but it made me angry too. anyways, i went to counseling in april, then again in may and i went one time in june. its been very informative lately and full of meat. its constant food for thought. my counselor has really picked some of my ways apart and asked me why i do certain things and she will even ask me to elaborate on my ways of thinking alot of the time...and she simply points out the error in my thought processes. this has made me even more aware of my actions and has helped me stop my negative behavior.

so over the last few months i have really spent a lot of my time engulfed in deep thought. i have asked myself the "hard" questions, been crazy mad, anger has taken over, i have asked god to allow me to let go of my burdens and give them to him. i was tired of being held back by my own stubbornness, pride, anger--whatever u want to call it. i knew that i had to let go of the bitterness taht i have towards a few people so that i could regain myself, i have been miserable for so long that its been hard on me to look at the cup half full.

the second to last time that i went to counseling my counselor told me a lot of things that i did not want to hear. she told me to stop promoting division (i posted a video about this on my youtube channel) but she made me mad...which i got over....she is and was right...it just took me a minute to really let it sink in. i thought about what she had to say for a few days and i decided then to forgive and move forward no matter how hard the challenge was.

needless to say since then i have been so much better. i feel like god has healed me more and that he has "taken the wool from my eyes" and allowed me to see things a bit differently. my intuitiveness and objectivity is clearer now than it ever has been in my entire life. also, i have been able to whole heartily forgive a couple people that i needed to and i have been able to see things differently in my life which has allowed me to reclaim myself. for so long i was lost (almost 2 years) i did not know it was possible for me to even get to the lows i went to.

Do you have a dark cloud?

it seems like the harder i try to get away from the negativity the more present it becomes. over the last few months i have kind of secluded myself from the people in mu life who were bringing me down. i have enough problems of my own to deal with-- much less trying to focus on bettering myself. problems arise, which come out of nowhere...people have attitudes or wonder what they did wrong. sometimes it easier to just shut up and not say anything than to hurt someones feelings. i have done my share of telling someone things they dont want to hear. i have been both the giver and receiver of hurt feelings and mixed emotions. so far i have not regretted any of the decisions i have made. to me its almost comparable to a chess game. its like each day i have to make a strategic and wise move to get to the other side. also, i feel as if when a couple of things go Super right then i get drowned in crap...like 3 steps forward 2 steps back. i remember sometime last week thinking to myself "i cant film cause i cant fake being happy" my pissed off, grouchiness was written all over my face. i had been woken up to damien coming home telling me we needed "x" amount of money in 2 weeks to take care of his license. (trust me, its a significant amount) that same day i got my feelings hurt pretty bad by someone i love dearly and it took me about 4 days to get over it. anyways, i was on such a "life high" for a while that when i got "rained on" i didnt handle it well. being emotionally tender has not helped me either. its been a double edged sword. one minute i can completely relate and then next minute i cant handle anything. for the most part i have been fine since then and have been burying myself into youtube and giving. i have been helping my sister redo her home (just spunk it up some) and poor thing doesnt know 5 things about construction. i know--im a girl--but i have remodeled 2 homes and my man is in the construction business for the last 5 years...i know a thing or 10...so i have received a lot of fulfillment from helping her and ultimately just being there for my friends who need me and trying to serve god how he sees fit cause im not sure what my "big picture" is...im more or less trying to just follow my heart and let him guide me..

on another note, i havent been to counseling since april 28th and havent had the strength to go. the last time i went really tore into my core of hurt and drained me...i needed time to allow myself to really absorb it and try to heal from it or at least let it go. im scheduled to go this tuesday at 2 pm....im not ready but in life you never really are so im going to dive in head first and come out on top (after some anger, baggage, struggles, and tears)

he really does get all the glory :)

jess

Mothers Day: Let's Rewind 12 Years

Here we are in 2011. Mothers Day just passed and it was bitter sweet--bitter because I hate my mom but sweet because I love her as much as I hate her. I know, screwed up! Anyways, Mothers Day just passed 3 days ago and for the last 3 days I have been dreading the thought of writing this blog. I have dreaded writing this for multiple reasons. Feelings of helplessness, fear, and anger surface when I think about this particular day that occurred about 12 years ago. I could get a more precise timeline but I dont want to call my mother to ask her. So here it goes...

About 12 years ago I was about 11 or 12 years old. My family irregularly attended a church and that church had "mother daughter banquets." Needless to say I went to a couple of them with my mom, maw maw, and aunts. They always fell around Mothers day and this particular one would stand out in my mind forever.

The day came for the mothers day banquet. My mom, sis, and me were all getting ready to go to it. While we were getting ready I went into my moms room and sat on her bed. The bed was right next to her vanity. I dont know what I did or DIDNT do but as i was sitting on the bed my mom started yelling at me and hit me on the leg with her curling iron which was on. It burned like hell and needless to say I have a scar about 3 inches wide across my right thigh where my mother burned me with her curling iron.

I assume she did this because I did something wrong. You see, the irony here is that I dont remember any thing leading up to her burning me or anything after. I just remember her doing it and staring at my scar for the last decade.

Also, I thought when i wrote this blog that it would make me cry or make me upset or it would be really draining (most of my blogs are all of these things) BUT this one was different. I cant write a long post b/c i dont know the events surrounding the burn. What I DO KNOW is that while writing this blog i feel angry. Angry at my mom for being such an insensitive cold hearted bitch. YOU NEVER HAVE ANY REASON TO BURN YOUR CHILD WITH A CURLING IRON! I could understand if her life were in fear or if i was a troubled child but i wasnt. She was an angry bitch and took it out on me, and my scar shows that. Good news is that most of my scars are "hidden" but not this one. It stands out like a sore thumb to me.

happy mothers day mom. i hope i can find it in my heart to forgive you.

my emotional glass is empty

today was counseling day. i haven't been in 3 weeks and i really looked forward to going today. so i arrived there at 2:30--counseling time. i walked the same walk that i walk every time i go, i moved the orange pillow onto the floor and sat in my beloved "hurt chair" by my sunny window and it was time to dig deep and let some anger out.
for the most part the last few weeks haven't been too hard. i have tried to seclude myself from the stressors of every day life. although this is not always the answer--its the answer right now. anyways, my counselor and i started talking and things were pretty good. but then the hard questions came. she asked me about my last couple of blogs--which were about my anger towards my mom. she asked me specifically to kind of elaborate on my mother being molested and the fight which ensued that day. as i began to talk about it i was okay....but it was hard to tell her that my mother didnt remember beating me. at this point, the tears fell. thankfully, my counselor is so comforting and amazing....its easy to cry in front of her and let myself be vulnerable. you see, my mother doesnt allow that with us...she never makes herself vulnerable to her own children--which makes me present myself to my mother with my guard up--i want to let it down all the time but i dont want to share my inner child with her--i want to protect her....anyways, counseling was hard but refreshing....i left and went to my maw maws house--she is my moms mom. i love her so much because as a child her and my other maw maw always took care of me and my siblings. the majority of my childhood memories are with my grandparents. i always knew that maw maws house was safe, that she would feed and clothe me and protect me...she would love me unconditionally and never let me go without. she made it easy for me to be myself....i was reminiscing today with her and my aunt about my childhood and all the wonderful memories i had at her old house--the kind of memories i lack from my childhood home. maw maw was a neat freak--still relatively is--and she would always catch us sticking the hersheys kisses wrappers in the recliner. she always froze grapes for me and let me sleep right next to her bed. she would make us palettes with sleeping bags on the floor and when paw paw would go to work id get in her waterbed with her. she was and still is the BEST maw maw i could EVER ask for.
while i was at her house today i asked her about my childhood. she told me about a time when i was 3 years old and i came to her house with a black eye. my mother had wrapped a belt around my head and dropped me off at my maw maws house. my aunt told me that i laid in front of the fire place in my grandmothers room (it was HUGE) and she said that she just laid with me on the floor. this broke my heart cause its things like this that i dont remember. granted-i dont want to remember things like that--but it also explains why i cant remember. i told my maw maw that i had anger towards her and my other maw maw because they didnt save me as a child. it was hard to tell her that because i love her so much (my other grandmother passed when i was 12) but i cant blame her either. she did all she could for us kids. her and paw paw were always active in my life and made sure i was safe and loved. i gained a new understanding from her today--she told me that she had did her time raising 5 kids--she was married at 16--and that when my mother had us it was her RESPONSIBILITY to take care of us....and she is right! considering maw maw and paw paw didnt have custody of us--they played a MAJOR role in our lives.
today i understand better why i cant remember.....its just God protecting me. and i should thank him for that.
what i do know is that im going to continue fighting this war and i will finish victorious--its just going to take a while.

with an extremely heavy and drained heart--jess

tonight i mourn with my wounded child

things have been rather well lately--nothing to complain about. but as the night lingers on and i read my own previous posts they bring me to tears. salt is poured in my wound and the wounded child inside of me hurts again.
i havent been to counseling in 3 weeks now. im scheduled to go on thursday. to be honest, i am really looking forward to it. right when i think i have a grip something reminds me that i dont. lately, i havent been having feelings of self hatred and i havent been mean. really, i've impressed myself. however, i havent had the stressors of everyday life boggling me down either. i think part of me is just going through the motions and the other part of me knows my wounded child is right next to me and im just ignoring her. you see, my anger runs deep. im angry at the world, or anygry at myself. i beat myself up, i dont take compliments well, i dont believe that i can succeed at anything, i give up when i should persevere--another horrible quality that was instilled in me.i still dont know how i finished college because in my 3rd year i wanted to quit so bad. its the accomplishment i am most proud of--because i actually succeeded! any other journey i have embarked on in life has been "terminated" due to my lack of endurance, whether it be exercise, a job, a goal, anything...i always give up. i want you all to know that makeup makes me feel beautiful and makeup helps my wounded child hurt less. i want to tell my wounded child that i am here for her, a grown up me and that i will never let anyone else hurt her again. i WILL protect her, not matter how far i have to go....i will not steal anymore of her memories or make her wish she could wear a pair of shorts. she will have fun, seize the day, remember her friend birthday parties, play like a normal kid and not cook herself meals at 9 years old. she will get a christmas and birthday present every year...she will feel loved and never abandoned. she will have control over herself, she wont drown herself in food, seclusion or material things for happiness. she will search within and find it. she will be set free.

anger, molestation & unforgiveness

today was a rather trying day. its not even over yet, but i would like to think that the hard part has came and passed. as many of you know, i often write about my struggles with weight and/or abuse on here. its not easy allowing yourself to be vulnerable, especially to the whole world. but today i got a little bit of insight. you see, the majority of the issues i have stem from my mother....we were abused as children, im talking 2 or 3 years old until i was 12 or so. i have said before that i cant remember alot of my childhood also. well today i was arguing with my mom...im in this phase where im so angry with her and i just want to hurt her like she hurt me...i know that it is not right but easier said then done. well we fought on and off all day and i went to her house to pick up my nephew. while i was there we continued arguing. i told her that i dont have remorse for her because i was simply being heartless. yes, i am human and i told you all that i dont always have an emotional grip on myself. anyways, while we were arguing one thing led to another and next thing i know my mom is crying.she is telling me how sorry she is for the pain she caused me as a child and if she could take it all back she would. i told her that im angry with her because she cant take it back and i cant ever remember my childhood...the part of my life that should have been the best part is gone. she proceeded to tell me that she didnt remember alot of the times she beat us. that was hard for me to grasp. she continued to cry and then she started telling me things that i had never known. see, my mom was molested as a child. every one knows it, but we dont talk about it. she told everyone in me and my siblings life that if they ever molested us she would kill them. needless to say, i was never molested. i cant appreciate what she did for me to protect me because i never will know what its like on the other side. also, i cant appreciate it fully because while she protected me from predators, she was my abuser. my mother then told me in detail about the molestation she endured from the ages of 5-7 years old which made my heart hurt. i never knew all the details, just that it happened. she was shamed, not believed and embarrassed. today i gained a new understanding for my mom, her struggles and her lack of vulnerability. when she was talking to me she told me that she always ran to food because food numbed the pain and it never told her no. she said food was her best friend. that was hard to hear because the last time i went to counseling i told me counselor the exact same thing--that food was my best friend and it helped numb my pain. while im thankful that i was never molested, im sad that my mother hurts so bad inside and im sad that she took out her anger on my and my siblings. i feel bad for being so mean to her but i also want her to know how bad i hurt. i think she may understand pain in a way i cannot. one side of me wants to just love her and the other side of me doesnt know if i will ever be able to fully forgive her. i am DETERMINED to break the cycle with my children if nothing else comes out of this.

Reason # 2 Why I Hate Myself

To some this may seem trivial but for me it is a major stronghold. I have given it a lot of thought over the last 2 weeks and I have concluded that this is just another one of the reasons why I hate myself. I know that you are not supposed to hate yourself. To be honest, my counselor has really helped me realize that I am worth loving and that I should not hate myself. Even though I have known this all along, I did not believe it. I did not believe in myself. I did not think that I was worth it. It is sad to say that I literally felt like I was not worth being me. I have a strong, abrasive personality and although that side of me usually shines, the sad part of me is hiding nearby in the shadows.
Since I have been on my soul searching journey I have experienced high highs and low lows. There are days that I feel 110% and then there are days where I have no emotional grip on myself and I "lose it" from the time I get out of bed till I go to sleep at night. This "non-grip on myself" is the 2nd reason why I hate myself. I understand that I should not "beat myself up" for this reason. However, I have to question how much of my lack of emotional stability is learned behavior and how much of it is literally me?!?
I grew up in a household with my mother and my 2 siblings. My dad was gone for about the first 12 years of my life working. He was a cross-country truck driver and I only got to see him a day or 2 out of each month. Looking back on this, my mom really missed him too. But, that doesn't excuse her behavior. You see, my mom was pretty much a single parent to me and my bro and sis. We were not bad kids but mom had (and still has) her own battles/demons that she needs to deal with. Her anger and hurt carried over into our lives and affected every aspect of it. As kids, we got our asses beat nonstop. In fact, a day without a whipping was a good day. Mom doesn't seem to recall it exactly like we do but ...its 3 against 1. She was a good mother to us in the respect that she did stick up for us and tell people when they were wrong. But my mother was also my abuser. Pretty messed up, right? Right! I look back on my childhood and I can't remember most of it. And the parts I can remember...well most of it I don't want to remember. Part of me wants to know what I can't remember and the other part of me thinks it's best that I never know.
Till this day I don't think my mother understands how bad she screwed her kids up. I have no emotional stability. Granted, counseling has helped me get a grip on myself and now I can exercise emotional stability when I get upset--but only sometimes. I still go crazy, yell or scream when I am upset or I just shut down all together. None of these are the answer.
As a child, this emotional instability is what I was subjected to. Now at 25, I fight myself everyday to overcome this. I hate this part of myself because at times it seems like an impossible goal to reach. I know it is attainable but I believe it will be a long journey to achieve "a healthy grip on myself."
It is hard to talk about this because when my mother whipped us it was always emotional... I would say at least 95% of the whippings I got in my lifetime were emotional ones. My mom would get upset..she had absolutely NO patience! She made sure we knew that we messed up and then it was time for the ass whipping....They were not controlled...Wherever the belt landed is where we got hit....or whatever random item she could get her hands on is what we got whipped with....Needless to say, I remember crying myself to sleep from my youngest age as a child (prolly 5 or so) up until I was 13 or so. When my dad came home off the road the beating stopped.
I can't tell you how many times I could not sit on the toilet or I was told not to dress out in PE class. That's not the way a child should remember their childhood. It's sad...I'm 25 now, I drive by the house I grew up in...I have little memories of it...I remember the outside memories...playing with my friends, making huts so the bug man couldn't get us....but I have little memory of the inside. Even though I don't remember it all, I know it happened.
I hope that I can heal--which is what I am seeking--and I hope I can have a child later in life and be the best me, the best mom, the best wife possible. I want to break the cycle. I want my child to think of me as their best friend. I don't want them to have a void that will never be filled. I want them to feel loved.

Reason # 1: Why I Hate Myself

Yesterday was my weekly counseling meeting. I went and, like always, it was hard. One The assignment my counselor asked me to do this week is particularly hard--if not the hardest one yet. She asked me to list out for her why I hate myself. I know it's hard to admit, much less post it all over the internet but at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow this is how I feel or what I think about. Trust me, I wish it would all go away. I don't like feeling the hurt inside of me. So, I have been thinking about what in fact I hate about myself and why I hate it. The first thing I came up with is I hate my body. Some may ask "what is it that you hate?" What I hate about my body is that it is ugly. It makes me feel ugly. My overweight, out of shape body disgusts me. While it disgusts me beyond measure I do nothing about it. That disgusts me even more. I feel like I am a diva trapped inside a prison--my body. I will go hours without eating, eat, and then binge eat. I never throw up and I don't eat 5 servings but I will eat until I feel sick and feel like I can't breathe. Not good!! So, I am my own worst enemy. I define myself by my body, which is a horrible decision. On top of that, my eating and weight issues are so ingrained in me that I feel like I can not fight this battle alone and come out victorious. No matter how bad I want to work out I am scared to death at the same time. I fear failure, unacceptance...I am scared to let go of a piece of myself, because me being overweight is the only person I have known. I hide behind my weight because behind my weight is a girl whose heart hurts. There is a girl who wants to stand on the roof top and shout out--there is a girl who does not feel worthy or accepted. So reason # 1 of why I hate myself is this--I hate my body and I detest myself for allowing myself to get to this point and for not doing anything about it. Let the healing begin.....

With a heavy heart--Jess

THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR--AND MEGS TOO! (MY P.I.C.)

SO ITS SATURDAY NIGHT AND I AM AT HOME, EXHAUSTED. TODAY I WAS UP AT 7 AM GETTING READY TO GO HOST A FUNDRAISER FOR MY SISTER AMBER. MY FRIEND, MEGAN, AND I HAVE BEEN GOING NONSTOP FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO ORGANIZING DIFFERENT EVENTS TO RAISE MONEY FOR MY SISTER. SHE IS PREGNANT AND HER BABY WILL HAVE TO UNDERGO 3 OPEN HEART SURGERIES IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS, HIS FIRST ONE BEING WITHIN HIS FIRST 10 DAYS OF LIFE..... SO FAR WE HAVE RAISED HALF OF OUR GOAL, WHICH IS SIMPLY AMAZING! IT ONLY TOOK US 2 FUNDRAISER EVENTS TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL-- THE DOWNSIDE IS ALL THE PREPARATIONS AND STRESSING THAT COME WITH COORDINATING FUNDRAISERS; BUT SUCCESS IS SO REWARDING!

LET TALK ABOUT THE GARAGE SALE....THE GARAGE SALE WAS THE FIRST MAJOR FUNDRAISER WE ORGANIZED. IT INVOLVED POSTING INFORMATION ON FACE BOOK, IN THE NEWSPAPER, AND WORD OF MOUTH. ALL ITEMS IN THE GARAGE SALE WERE DONATED FROM RANDOM PEOPLE. THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT WAS ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMING. I'M AMAZED AT HOW GENEROUS COMPLETE STRANGERS HAVE BEEN. FOR THE MOST PART I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A STRONG BELIEVER. HOWEVER, DURING THIS TIME GOD HAS DONE NOTHING BUT STRETCH MY FAITH EVEN FURTHER. THERE IS NO QUESTION IN MY MIND ABOUT HIM. WE HAD AT LEAST A couple DOZEN PEOPLE DONATE ITEMS FOR THE GARAGE SALE...SOME WERE DROPPED OFF, OTHERS WERE PICKED UP...NEEDLESS TO SAY IT WAS EVENTFUL GATHERING EVERYTHING, SORTING IT OUT, AND MAKING IT ALL PRETTY FOR THE SALE.

MOVING ON, THE BAKE SALE WAS TODAY. WE RAISED ABOUT $300 BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I WAS WORN OUT BECAUSE IT IS SO HOT WHERE I LIVE IN LOUISIANA AND WE WERE OUTSIDE FROM 8-2PM. I HAD TO GO TO MY GRANDPARENTS 50TH ANNIVERSARY GATHERING AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO. MY BOYFRIEND AND I ENDED UP STOPPING AT THE RACE TRAC TO GET ME AN ENERGY DRINK SO I WOULDN'T FALL ASLEEP WITH MY FACE IN MY FOOD.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, ALL THE HARD WORK THAT MY DEAREST FRIEND MEGAN AND I HAVE DONE HAS ALREADY PAID OFF. WE HAVE RAISED 1/2 OF OUR GOAL, AND WE STILL HAVE 2 FUNDRAISERS COMING UP. IF I CAN DO ANYTHING, I WOULD HOPE I COULD ENCOURAGE ALL OF YOU OUT THERE TO DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH YOUR SPARE TIME. EVEN IF IT IS JUST 5 MINUTES. YOU COULD BRING THE ELDERLY WOMAN HER NEWSPAPER, LET THE PERSON IN LINE GO BEFORE YOU, OR LET SOMEONE OUT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. IT'S ALWAYS THE SMALLEST THINGS THAT MATTER AND THAT COUNT THE MOST. UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

JESS