MARDI:3RD TIMES THE CHARM

It's Tuesday again which means it's time for counseling. I had a great day at work. It was a beautiful day outside so when I got to work I raised the window up in my office and let the cool breeze come in. It was perfect; not too hot, not too cold--just right! I had a mountain of work to do but me and Megan turned on the music and went to town on accomplishing our responsibilities. All in all, the work day FLEW by and before I knew it it was 2:15. Time to leave and go to counseling. I was kind of hesitant to go today because I had just gotten into a fight with my brother (he wrote something vulgar on my Facebook) and I was feeling kind of fonky. Also, I was caught up in my work and wanted to complete it all before I left. However, that was not the case. And sometimes you have to just tell yourself  "It will be there tomorrow, It is okay if you do it then." So I took it upon myself to chill out (lol, my nerves were a little crazy from my bro) and I left for counseling. I was a bit irritated on the way there because people in Louisiana do NOT know how to drive. There are slow people in the fast lane, people getting over with no warning (blinkers people) and people lolly gagging along. I was not running late, which makes it more irrational that I was in a rush and acting crazy while I was driving. Anyways, I made it to counseling on time. This time I did not have anxiety on my way there. I actually looked forward to it. It kind of sucks because I had all these things I wanted to say and I felt like fighting with my brother broke my focus. However, I was quick to let that go and really focus on all the things I wanted to tell my counselor. So, I got to counseling and went into my "safe haven." There were so many topics I wanted to cover and I was angry inside from events that occurred over the weekend, or memories that I remembered again from my childhood. I just let it rip. I told my counselor, who is such a  good listener, all of the memories I had over the past week about my childhood. There were so many memories and I did not know where to start. However, once I started talking they all came back to me. I had a great session. Again, my counselor asked me the  hard questions. I had voiced to her that it bothers me that I curse. I identify with being a curser. It is engrained in me from my child hood. It's weird though. Some people I will cuss in front of and others I won't. If I can control myself to not cuss in front of people I respect, then I should be able to not do it at all. So my counselor gave me this food for thought for the week. She asked me to think about what triggers me to curse, what situations or people...etc....That's a big chunk of food for thought. Up until this point  in my life I had never had someone ask me why I love my mother or why do I cuss? Those are two tough questions for me. I know that there are some out there who think it's simple to overcome or think its unquestionable to even think one could not love their parent. I say on the contrary.
Moving on, my counseling session this time was the first one where I did not cry. It was kind of relieving because it is hard letting yourself hurt and be drained only to think about what happened in your last session and have to wait another week to *realllllly* talk about it. So yesterday, I read my own blog that I had posted previousily and it made me cry. Now you might ask, why did your own blog make you cry? Well, my blog made me cry because the person that writes these blogs is the little girl inside of me. My wounded child who is trying to heal. I felt her hurt again yesterday and it made me sad. I mean, she is here and she will never leave me but she is having a tough time dealing.
Anyways, I left counseling with a little bit more healing. It's weird because everytime I go, I feel like 1 centimeter of myself is ok. I always go through a range of emotions but I always end up knowing I made the right choice, even though it's a tough one. With that being said, it is Wednesday...which means it is time for some inspiration for today. Here it goes:

"Forgiveness is not only something God gives us. He designed it to be passed on to others. Doing that, we learn the value of the pardon the Father offered us. Even when everything in us screams "No, I can't forgive," He empowers us to do so, if we trust in Him. Our loving Father never commands us to actions He cannot also streghthen us to do."

This encouragement is exactly what I need to hear. I have at least 4 people that I have carried bitterness around in myself because I have not forgiven them. Some will take longer than others but this is a reminder of what is important and the impossible is, in fact, possible. I hope ya'll enjoyed reading this and I'll be back soon :)

ooooo
Jess

WEEKEND WAR--RIOR [Part 1]

Hello all. It's the beginning of another week. Dreaded ole Monday....Oh how I have a love/hate relationship with Monday. Today I did not want to get out of bed. I slept hard as a brick last night but still managed to drag getting up this morning. I even think I hit the snooze button 5 times. Lol...Well--- it would not have been that funny if I would have been late for work (thank God i wasn't). Anyways, as I reflect over this past weekend, I come out of it with a new sense of self. I feel like i overcame a battle. I feel like a warrior. almost as if I went to war and stood firm in my beliefs, held my tongue and fought the good fight. This past weekend wore me down, emotionally drained me and left me feeling battered.....almost as if i had my "me time" taken from me. This particular blog is extremely personal and dear to my heart because it involves two people I love that are  either not in my life at all or we have little interaction at all.

The first major battle I dealt with this weekend was

**The battle of Mother vs. daughter**

I, along with my siblings, have wounds that run deep from our childhood. At the age of 24, my hurt was brought to my attention by a fellow co-worker who became a wonderful friend. I had been walking through life, just going through the motions. I used my bubbly personality to hide my pain. I ate (and still do) any and all emotions I encounter. I can be happy, mad, glad or sad--I eat to cope with these feelings...while I'm at my highest high or my lowest low. Up until I was 24 no one really asked questions. I mean, there are the people who have been there my entire life who know what happened and understand. Outside of this group of people and my family members, no one really knows. I never really talked about the abuse I endured or the pain I had buried inside. I sincerely thought I was okay and subliminally chose not to deal with my "demons." Boy was I wrong. I did not see it coming. My coworker, who will remain anonymous, came to me one day while I was telling a joke and told me to elaborate on it. I looked at her like she was crazy. I did not want to tell her. I ended up telling her about that particular joke. That was the turning point in my life--pin-pointed to a T. That day was the day that my "can of worms was opened." It was the day that the monster inside of me felt the pain I felt as a child and i didn't like it. My coworker, who is also a mentor to me, talked with me each and every day for the next 5 months about my troubles. She guided me the best she could, told me when I was making a poor choice, and she encouraged me to deal with myself so that I could heal. So I started reading a book called "Reinventing your life." It is a good book. It addresses the problems you have, tells you where they come from by the surveys you take and it tells you what triggers your life traps and how to avoid it. I read the book in its entirety and felt worse than i did when i began reading it. As the days progressed, my life did not get any easier. I began lashing out at the people I love. I felt like I was losing my mind and the only thing i wanted to do was to hurt the people around me even though I knew it was wrong. I went on this downward spiral for months and today i am still fighting not being that person. In reality, it has only been about 2 weeks that i have had a grip on myself. I did not like feeling the wounded child in me. The wounded child in me wants to make every one else feel the same we she does. She does not want to endure life alone. She has been alone for a long time. The bad part of this is that it is no way to handle your pain. I did not know how to handle my pain. I never thought about killing myself. However, any other emotion you can feel while being at your lowest point--I felt that.I was drowning in my emotions. I felt worthless, ugly, mean, unimportant. I even felt and still feel like I don't love myself. It's not an easy issue to address and everyone deals with it differently but I dealt with it this way---the WRONG WAY!!! At this all time low in my life I decided I needed professional help and thus decided to enter into counseling.

On February 15, 2011 I went to counseling for the first time. It was not easy. Those of you who have went into counseling know this from first hand experience. I had tried for 2-3 weeks to get into counseling before I ever got a call back. On a Monday, yep--the dreaded Monday that I hate so much--I got the call I had been waiting for. The woman who would become my counselor called me to ask me what was going on and when I wanted to start counseling. I told her that I would come the next day.  Tuesday came quickly.

On Tuesday I went to work. It was a normal day...it had more laughs than sighs...I work with one of my dearest friends and it's hard to be down when I am around her. Even when I do have a dark moment she understands it. She knows what I went through and it's easy to share with her. Well, work went by and it came time to leave to go to counseling. I got in my car, drove for 40 minutes and arrived at my destination. The car ride was a long one. I had anxiety through the roof.I probably decided to turn around 50 times that day. I did not want what was coming even though I needed it. I prevailed and ended up at my destination. My counselor was late, which made me want to get up and walk out. But I didn't. I stayed. I went with her to the back room on the right, which has become my "safe haven." I talked to her about what I was and currently am battling. She listened intently, asked questions and offered advice. It is hard to hear someone ask you "Why do you love your mother?" Needless to say, counseling has been extremely hard thus far; yet it is rejuvenating and freeing.

I told ya'll all of that to tell you this: I started counseling and brought it up to my mother for the first time on Saturday. She asked me where I was going and even made a few suggestions. Little did she know is that I had already made the choices that she suggested to me. We ended up getting into an argument over me using curse words and we got off the phone. I took one step in the right direction. I told her I would give her the time of day and have a relationship with her when she decided to acknowledge the hurt SHE put inside me. It's not easy confronting the people you love, especially when you feel like they don't care or show any compassion or responsibility. It was a hard weekend for me but I fought the good fight. I dealt with myself in the best way I could and I took one more step in the right direction.

xoxox-Jess