The first major battle I dealt with this weekend was
**The battle of Mother vs. daughter**
I, along with my siblings, have wounds that run deep from our childhood. At the age of 24, my hurt was brought to my attention by a fellow co-worker who became a wonderful friend. I had been walking through life, just going through the motions. I used my bubbly personality to hide my pain. I ate (and still do) any and all emotions I encounter. I can be happy, mad, glad or sad--I eat to cope with these feelings...while I'm at my highest high or my lowest low. Up until I was 24 no one really asked questions. I mean, there are the people who have been there my entire life who know what happened and understand. Outside of this group of people and my family members, no one really knows. I never really talked about the abuse I endured or the pain I had buried inside. I sincerely thought I was okay and subliminally chose not to deal with my "demons." Boy was I wrong. I did not see it coming. My coworker, who will remain anonymous, came to me one day while I was telling a joke and told me to elaborate on it. I looked at her like she was crazy. I did not want to tell her. I ended up telling her about that particular joke. That was the turning point in my life--pin-pointed to a T. That day was the day that my "can of worms was opened." It was the day that the monster inside of me felt the pain I felt as a child and i didn't like it. My coworker, who is also a mentor to me, talked with me each and every day for the next 5 months about my troubles. She guided me the best she could, told me when I was making a poor choice, and she encouraged me to deal with myself so that I could heal. So I started reading a book called "Reinventing your life." It is a good book. It addresses the problems you have, tells you where they come from by the surveys you take and it tells you what triggers your life traps and how to avoid it. I read the book in its entirety and felt worse than i did when i began reading it. As the days progressed, my life did not get any easier. I began lashing out at the people I love. I felt like I was losing my mind and the only thing i wanted to do was to hurt the people around me even though I knew it was wrong. I went on this downward spiral for months and today i am still fighting not being that person. In reality, it has only been about 2 weeks that i have had a grip on myself. I did not like feeling the wounded child in me. The wounded child in me wants to make every one else feel the same we she does. She does not want to endure life alone. She has been alone for a long time. The bad part of this is that it is no way to handle your pain. I did not know how to handle my pain. I never thought about killing myself. However, any other emotion you can feel while being at your lowest point--I felt that.I was drowning in my emotions. I felt worthless, ugly, mean, unimportant. I even felt and still feel like I don't love myself. It's not an easy issue to address and everyone deals with it differently but I dealt with it this way---the WRONG WAY!!! At this all time low in my life I decided I needed professional help and thus decided to enter into counseling.
On February 15, 2011 I went to counseling for the first time. It was not easy. Those of you who have went into counseling know this from first hand experience. I had tried for 2-3 weeks to get into counseling before I ever got a call back. On a Monday, yep--the dreaded Monday that I hate so much--I got the call I had been waiting for. The woman who would become my counselor called me to ask me what was going on and when I wanted to start counseling. I told her that I would come the next day. Tuesday came quickly.
On Tuesday I went to work. It was a normal day...it had more laughs than sighs...I work with one of my dearest friends and it's hard to be down when I am around her. Even when I do have a dark moment she understands it. She knows what I went through and it's easy to share with her. Well, work went by and it came time to leave to go to counseling. I got in my car, drove for 40 minutes and arrived at my destination. The car ride was a long one. I had anxiety through the roof.I probably decided to turn around 50 times that day. I did not want what was coming even though I needed it. I prevailed and ended up at my destination. My counselor was late, which made me want to get up and walk out. But I didn't. I stayed. I went with her to the back room on the right, which has become my "safe haven." I talked to her about what I was and currently am battling. She listened intently, asked questions and offered advice. It is hard to hear someone ask you "Why do you love your mother?" Needless to say, counseling has been extremely hard thus far; yet it is rejuvenating and freeing.
I told ya'll all of that to tell you this: I started counseling and brought it up to my mother for the first time on Saturday. She asked me where I was going and even made a few suggestions. Little did she know is that I had already made the choices that she suggested to me. We ended up getting into an argument over me using curse words and we got off the phone. I took one step in the right direction. I told her I would give her the time of day and have a relationship with her when she decided to acknowledge the hurt SHE put inside me. It's not easy confronting the people you love, especially when you feel like they don't care or show any compassion or responsibility. It was a hard weekend for me but I fought the good fight. I dealt with myself in the best way I could and I took one more step in the right direction.
xoxox-Jess
