its 1:27 am. im pissed. i have no clue why. i didnt do anything today--no work, no cleaning in the house....i cooked dinner, did a couple loads of laundry and played on the internet. around 12 am i started doing the dishes and managed to complete all of them. however, in the process of me doing the dishes i got pissed (somehow or another) ....i was too hot, my shirt was sticking to my fat roll, i didnt have enough room to clean all the dishes and put them on the counters to dry...the list goes on and on...all stupid shit to be mad about. no reason at all to be mad.
i have been in a "funk" for the last 3 days and i cant seem to get out of it. im definitly going to try and go to counseling tomorrow so i can work through this. im frustrated because i dont even know what the driving force is behind this anger...normally i can identify why i am mad or at least find a temporary solution. Tonight, for some reason, it just came over me and i couldnt fight it. after i got a bit mad, i asked damien to move a chair for me. i got even more mad because he didnt move the chair fast enough for me. this lead to me screaming at him about his nonresponsiveness to me be upset. this made things that much worse. now i sit on my bed and watch him go through his nightly routine as i type this. im going to say my prayers, tell god how angry i am right now and im going to go to bed and make a conscious choice to wake up tomorrow on the right side of the bed. goodnight.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
alot has changed....
For the last 2 months I have only went to counseling 1 time per month... which means I went to counseling 1 time in May, June and thus far July...although the month is not over yet. So many changes have occurred over the past few months and I think I am long overdue for an update...
So here it goes--In April my counseling sessions started getting exceptionally hard... I went at the end of april and had a very deep and vulnerable session where i tried to explain to my counselor all that had went on that i did not know about. previous to this session i had a talk with my mom, or should i say a long fight, and she revealed to me some of her scars and she elaborated on the ones i already knew about. even though i was in total bitch mode on her i wouldnt let her see that i was upset by her story. the parts of her life that she magnified to me were terrible memories that i cant phathom having as a child. it hurt me to see her hurt but it made me angry too. anyways, i went to counseling in april, then again in may and i went one time in june. its been very informative lately and full of meat. its constant food for thought. my counselor has really picked some of my ways apart and asked me why i do certain things and she will even ask me to elaborate on my ways of thinking alot of the time...and she simply points out the error in my thought processes. this has made me even more aware of my actions and has helped me stop my negative behavior.
so over the last few months i have really spent a lot of my time engulfed in deep thought. i have asked myself the "hard" questions, been crazy mad, anger has taken over, i have asked god to allow me to let go of my burdens and give them to him. i was tired of being held back by my own stubbornness, pride, anger--whatever u want to call it. i knew that i had to let go of the bitterness taht i have towards a few people so that i could regain myself, i have been miserable for so long that its been hard on me to look at the cup half full.
the second to last time that i went to counseling my counselor told me a lot of things that i did not want to hear. she told me to stop promoting division (i posted a video about this on my youtube channel) but she made me mad...which i got over....she is and was right...it just took me a minute to really let it sink in. i thought about what she had to say for a few days and i decided then to forgive and move forward no matter how hard the challenge was.
needless to say since then i have been so much better. i feel like god has healed me more and that he has "taken the wool from my eyes" and allowed me to see things a bit differently. my intuitiveness and objectivity is clearer now than it ever has been in my entire life. also, i have been able to whole heartily forgive a couple people that i needed to and i have been able to see things differently in my life which has allowed me to reclaim myself. for so long i was lost (almost 2 years) i did not know it was possible for me to even get to the lows i went to.
So here it goes--In April my counseling sessions started getting exceptionally hard... I went at the end of april and had a very deep and vulnerable session where i tried to explain to my counselor all that had went on that i did not know about. previous to this session i had a talk with my mom, or should i say a long fight, and she revealed to me some of her scars and she elaborated on the ones i already knew about. even though i was in total bitch mode on her i wouldnt let her see that i was upset by her story. the parts of her life that she magnified to me were terrible memories that i cant phathom having as a child. it hurt me to see her hurt but it made me angry too. anyways, i went to counseling in april, then again in may and i went one time in june. its been very informative lately and full of meat. its constant food for thought. my counselor has really picked some of my ways apart and asked me why i do certain things and she will even ask me to elaborate on my ways of thinking alot of the time...and she simply points out the error in my thought processes. this has made me even more aware of my actions and has helped me stop my negative behavior.
so over the last few months i have really spent a lot of my time engulfed in deep thought. i have asked myself the "hard" questions, been crazy mad, anger has taken over, i have asked god to allow me to let go of my burdens and give them to him. i was tired of being held back by my own stubbornness, pride, anger--whatever u want to call it. i knew that i had to let go of the bitterness taht i have towards a few people so that i could regain myself, i have been miserable for so long that its been hard on me to look at the cup half full.
the second to last time that i went to counseling my counselor told me a lot of things that i did not want to hear. she told me to stop promoting division (i posted a video about this on my youtube channel) but she made me mad...which i got over....she is and was right...it just took me a minute to really let it sink in. i thought about what she had to say for a few days and i decided then to forgive and move forward no matter how hard the challenge was.
needless to say since then i have been so much better. i feel like god has healed me more and that he has "taken the wool from my eyes" and allowed me to see things a bit differently. my intuitiveness and objectivity is clearer now than it ever has been in my entire life. also, i have been able to whole heartily forgive a couple people that i needed to and i have been able to see things differently in my life which has allowed me to reclaim myself. for so long i was lost (almost 2 years) i did not know it was possible for me to even get to the lows i went to.
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