my emotional glass is empty

today was counseling day. i haven't been in 3 weeks and i really looked forward to going today. so i arrived there at 2:30--counseling time. i walked the same walk that i walk every time i go, i moved the orange pillow onto the floor and sat in my beloved "hurt chair" by my sunny window and it was time to dig deep and let some anger out.
for the most part the last few weeks haven't been too hard. i have tried to seclude myself from the stressors of every day life. although this is not always the answer--its the answer right now. anyways, my counselor and i started talking and things were pretty good. but then the hard questions came. she asked me about my last couple of blogs--which were about my anger towards my mom. she asked me specifically to kind of elaborate on my mother being molested and the fight which ensued that day. as i began to talk about it i was okay....but it was hard to tell her that my mother didnt remember beating me. at this point, the tears fell. thankfully, my counselor is so comforting and amazing....its easy to cry in front of her and let myself be vulnerable. you see, my mother doesnt allow that with us...she never makes herself vulnerable to her own children--which makes me present myself to my mother with my guard up--i want to let it down all the time but i dont want to share my inner child with her--i want to protect her....anyways, counseling was hard but refreshing....i left and went to my maw maws house--she is my moms mom. i love her so much because as a child her and my other maw maw always took care of me and my siblings. the majority of my childhood memories are with my grandparents. i always knew that maw maws house was safe, that she would feed and clothe me and protect me...she would love me unconditionally and never let me go without. she made it easy for me to be myself....i was reminiscing today with her and my aunt about my childhood and all the wonderful memories i had at her old house--the kind of memories i lack from my childhood home. maw maw was a neat freak--still relatively is--and she would always catch us sticking the hersheys kisses wrappers in the recliner. she always froze grapes for me and let me sleep right next to her bed. she would make us palettes with sleeping bags on the floor and when paw paw would go to work id get in her waterbed with her. she was and still is the BEST maw maw i could EVER ask for.
while i was at her house today i asked her about my childhood. she told me about a time when i was 3 years old and i came to her house with a black eye. my mother had wrapped a belt around my head and dropped me off at my maw maws house. my aunt told me that i laid in front of the fire place in my grandmothers room (it was HUGE) and she said that she just laid with me on the floor. this broke my heart cause its things like this that i dont remember. granted-i dont want to remember things like that--but it also explains why i cant remember. i told my maw maw that i had anger towards her and my other maw maw because they didnt save me as a child. it was hard to tell her that because i love her so much (my other grandmother passed when i was 12) but i cant blame her either. she did all she could for us kids. her and paw paw were always active in my life and made sure i was safe and loved. i gained a new understanding from her today--she told me that she had did her time raising 5 kids--she was married at 16--and that when my mother had us it was her RESPONSIBILITY to take care of us....and she is right! considering maw maw and paw paw didnt have custody of us--they played a MAJOR role in our lives.
today i understand better why i cant remember.....its just God protecting me. and i should thank him for that.
what i do know is that im going to continue fighting this war and i will finish victorious--its just going to take a while.

with an extremely heavy and drained heart--jess

tonight i mourn with my wounded child

things have been rather well lately--nothing to complain about. but as the night lingers on and i read my own previous posts they bring me to tears. salt is poured in my wound and the wounded child inside of me hurts again.
i havent been to counseling in 3 weeks now. im scheduled to go on thursday. to be honest, i am really looking forward to it. right when i think i have a grip something reminds me that i dont. lately, i havent been having feelings of self hatred and i havent been mean. really, i've impressed myself. however, i havent had the stressors of everyday life boggling me down either. i think part of me is just going through the motions and the other part of me knows my wounded child is right next to me and im just ignoring her. you see, my anger runs deep. im angry at the world, or anygry at myself. i beat myself up, i dont take compliments well, i dont believe that i can succeed at anything, i give up when i should persevere--another horrible quality that was instilled in me.i still dont know how i finished college because in my 3rd year i wanted to quit so bad. its the accomplishment i am most proud of--because i actually succeeded! any other journey i have embarked on in life has been "terminated" due to my lack of endurance, whether it be exercise, a job, a goal, anything...i always give up. i want you all to know that makeup makes me feel beautiful and makeup helps my wounded child hurt less. i want to tell my wounded child that i am here for her, a grown up me and that i will never let anyone else hurt her again. i WILL protect her, not matter how far i have to go....i will not steal anymore of her memories or make her wish she could wear a pair of shorts. she will have fun, seize the day, remember her friend birthday parties, play like a normal kid and not cook herself meals at 9 years old. she will get a christmas and birthday present every year...she will feel loved and never abandoned. she will have control over herself, she wont drown herself in food, seclusion or material things for happiness. she will search within and find it. she will be set free.

anger, molestation & unforgiveness

today was a rather trying day. its not even over yet, but i would like to think that the hard part has came and passed. as many of you know, i often write about my struggles with weight and/or abuse on here. its not easy allowing yourself to be vulnerable, especially to the whole world. but today i got a little bit of insight. you see, the majority of the issues i have stem from my mother....we were abused as children, im talking 2 or 3 years old until i was 12 or so. i have said before that i cant remember alot of my childhood also. well today i was arguing with my mom...im in this phase where im so angry with her and i just want to hurt her like she hurt me...i know that it is not right but easier said then done. well we fought on and off all day and i went to her house to pick up my nephew. while i was there we continued arguing. i told her that i dont have remorse for her because i was simply being heartless. yes, i am human and i told you all that i dont always have an emotional grip on myself. anyways, while we were arguing one thing led to another and next thing i know my mom is crying.she is telling me how sorry she is for the pain she caused me as a child and if she could take it all back she would. i told her that im angry with her because she cant take it back and i cant ever remember my childhood...the part of my life that should have been the best part is gone. she proceeded to tell me that she didnt remember alot of the times she beat us. that was hard for me to grasp. she continued to cry and then she started telling me things that i had never known. see, my mom was molested as a child. every one knows it, but we dont talk about it. she told everyone in me and my siblings life that if they ever molested us she would kill them. needless to say, i was never molested. i cant appreciate what she did for me to protect me because i never will know what its like on the other side. also, i cant appreciate it fully because while she protected me from predators, she was my abuser. my mother then told me in detail about the molestation she endured from the ages of 5-7 years old which made my heart hurt. i never knew all the details, just that it happened. she was shamed, not believed and embarrassed. today i gained a new understanding for my mom, her struggles and her lack of vulnerability. when she was talking to me she told me that she always ran to food because food numbed the pain and it never told her no. she said food was her best friend. that was hard to hear because the last time i went to counseling i told me counselor the exact same thing--that food was my best friend and it helped numb my pain. while im thankful that i was never molested, im sad that my mother hurts so bad inside and im sad that she took out her anger on my and my siblings. i feel bad for being so mean to her but i also want her to know how bad i hurt. i think she may understand pain in a way i cannot. one side of me wants to just love her and the other side of me doesnt know if i will ever be able to fully forgive her. i am DETERMINED to break the cycle with my children if nothing else comes out of this.

Reason # 2 Why I Hate Myself

To some this may seem trivial but for me it is a major stronghold. I have given it a lot of thought over the last 2 weeks and I have concluded that this is just another one of the reasons why I hate myself. I know that you are not supposed to hate yourself. To be honest, my counselor has really helped me realize that I am worth loving and that I should not hate myself. Even though I have known this all along, I did not believe it. I did not believe in myself. I did not think that I was worth it. It is sad to say that I literally felt like I was not worth being me. I have a strong, abrasive personality and although that side of me usually shines, the sad part of me is hiding nearby in the shadows.
Since I have been on my soul searching journey I have experienced high highs and low lows. There are days that I feel 110% and then there are days where I have no emotional grip on myself and I "lose it" from the time I get out of bed till I go to sleep at night. This "non-grip on myself" is the 2nd reason why I hate myself. I understand that I should not "beat myself up" for this reason. However, I have to question how much of my lack of emotional stability is learned behavior and how much of it is literally me?!?
I grew up in a household with my mother and my 2 siblings. My dad was gone for about the first 12 years of my life working. He was a cross-country truck driver and I only got to see him a day or 2 out of each month. Looking back on this, my mom really missed him too. But, that doesn't excuse her behavior. You see, my mom was pretty much a single parent to me and my bro and sis. We were not bad kids but mom had (and still has) her own battles/demons that she needs to deal with. Her anger and hurt carried over into our lives and affected every aspect of it. As kids, we got our asses beat nonstop. In fact, a day without a whipping was a good day. Mom doesn't seem to recall it exactly like we do but ...its 3 against 1. She was a good mother to us in the respect that she did stick up for us and tell people when they were wrong. But my mother was also my abuser. Pretty messed up, right? Right! I look back on my childhood and I can't remember most of it. And the parts I can remember...well most of it I don't want to remember. Part of me wants to know what I can't remember and the other part of me thinks it's best that I never know.
Till this day I don't think my mother understands how bad she screwed her kids up. I have no emotional stability. Granted, counseling has helped me get a grip on myself and now I can exercise emotional stability when I get upset--but only sometimes. I still go crazy, yell or scream when I am upset or I just shut down all together. None of these are the answer.
As a child, this emotional instability is what I was subjected to. Now at 25, I fight myself everyday to overcome this. I hate this part of myself because at times it seems like an impossible goal to reach. I know it is attainable but I believe it will be a long journey to achieve "a healthy grip on myself."
It is hard to talk about this because when my mother whipped us it was always emotional... I would say at least 95% of the whippings I got in my lifetime were emotional ones. My mom would get upset..she had absolutely NO patience! She made sure we knew that we messed up and then it was time for the ass whipping....They were not controlled...Wherever the belt landed is where we got hit....or whatever random item she could get her hands on is what we got whipped with....Needless to say, I remember crying myself to sleep from my youngest age as a child (prolly 5 or so) up until I was 13 or so. When my dad came home off the road the beating stopped.
I can't tell you how many times I could not sit on the toilet or I was told not to dress out in PE class. That's not the way a child should remember their childhood. It's sad...I'm 25 now, I drive by the house I grew up in...I have little memories of it...I remember the outside memories...playing with my friends, making huts so the bug man couldn't get us....but I have little memory of the inside. Even though I don't remember it all, I know it happened.
I hope that I can heal--which is what I am seeking--and I hope I can have a child later in life and be the best me, the best mom, the best wife possible. I want to break the cycle. I want my child to think of me as their best friend. I don't want them to have a void that will never be filled. I want them to feel loved.