Do you have a dark cloud?

it seems like the harder i try to get away from the negativity the more present it becomes. over the last few months i have kind of secluded myself from the people in mu life who were bringing me down. i have enough problems of my own to deal with-- much less trying to focus on bettering myself. problems arise, which come out of nowhere...people have attitudes or wonder what they did wrong. sometimes it easier to just shut up and not say anything than to hurt someones feelings. i have done my share of telling someone things they dont want to hear. i have been both the giver and receiver of hurt feelings and mixed emotions. so far i have not regretted any of the decisions i have made. to me its almost comparable to a chess game. its like each day i have to make a strategic and wise move to get to the other side. also, i feel as if when a couple of things go Super right then i get drowned in crap...like 3 steps forward 2 steps back. i remember sometime last week thinking to myself "i cant film cause i cant fake being happy" my pissed off, grouchiness was written all over my face. i had been woken up to damien coming home telling me we needed "x" amount of money in 2 weeks to take care of his license. (trust me, its a significant amount) that same day i got my feelings hurt pretty bad by someone i love dearly and it took me about 4 days to get over it. anyways, i was on such a "life high" for a while that when i got "rained on" i didnt handle it well. being emotionally tender has not helped me either. its been a double edged sword. one minute i can completely relate and then next minute i cant handle anything. for the most part i have been fine since then and have been burying myself into youtube and giving. i have been helping my sister redo her home (just spunk it up some) and poor thing doesnt know 5 things about construction. i know--im a girl--but i have remodeled 2 homes and my man is in the construction business for the last 5 years...i know a thing or 10...so i have received a lot of fulfillment from helping her and ultimately just being there for my friends who need me and trying to serve god how he sees fit cause im not sure what my "big picture" is...im more or less trying to just follow my heart and let him guide me..

on another note, i havent been to counseling since april 28th and havent had the strength to go. the last time i went really tore into my core of hurt and drained me...i needed time to allow myself to really absorb it and try to heal from it or at least let it go. im scheduled to go this tuesday at 2 pm....im not ready but in life you never really are so im going to dive in head first and come out on top (after some anger, baggage, struggles, and tears)

he really does get all the glory :)

jess

Mothers Day: Let's Rewind 12 Years

Here we are in 2011. Mothers Day just passed and it was bitter sweet--bitter because I hate my mom but sweet because I love her as much as I hate her. I know, screwed up! Anyways, Mothers Day just passed 3 days ago and for the last 3 days I have been dreading the thought of writing this blog. I have dreaded writing this for multiple reasons. Feelings of helplessness, fear, and anger surface when I think about this particular day that occurred about 12 years ago. I could get a more precise timeline but I dont want to call my mother to ask her. So here it goes...

About 12 years ago I was about 11 or 12 years old. My family irregularly attended a church and that church had "mother daughter banquets." Needless to say I went to a couple of them with my mom, maw maw, and aunts. They always fell around Mothers day and this particular one would stand out in my mind forever.

The day came for the mothers day banquet. My mom, sis, and me were all getting ready to go to it. While we were getting ready I went into my moms room and sat on her bed. The bed was right next to her vanity. I dont know what I did or DIDNT do but as i was sitting on the bed my mom started yelling at me and hit me on the leg with her curling iron which was on. It burned like hell and needless to say I have a scar about 3 inches wide across my right thigh where my mother burned me with her curling iron.

I assume she did this because I did something wrong. You see, the irony here is that I dont remember any thing leading up to her burning me or anything after. I just remember her doing it and staring at my scar for the last decade.

Also, I thought when i wrote this blog that it would make me cry or make me upset or it would be really draining (most of my blogs are all of these things) BUT this one was different. I cant write a long post b/c i dont know the events surrounding the burn. What I DO KNOW is that while writing this blog i feel angry. Angry at my mom for being such an insensitive cold hearted bitch. YOU NEVER HAVE ANY REASON TO BURN YOUR CHILD WITH A CURLING IRON! I could understand if her life were in fear or if i was a troubled child but i wasnt. She was an angry bitch and took it out on me, and my scar shows that. Good news is that most of my scars are "hidden" but not this one. It stands out like a sore thumb to me.

happy mothers day mom. i hope i can find it in my heart to forgive you.