Are you in the passenger seat of your life?

Lately when I think of beauty it is only in the terms of inner beauty. While I enjoy having my vain days and staring at myself in the mirror, I am very focused on my inner beauty. The thing is that I have been struggling for a year and a half to find myself, my identity and "fix" myself. While I know I can not "fix" myself I do know that some major changes need to occur for my to move forward in life and do my calling. I have been focused on dealing with my scars (inner beauty) and that has led to an emotional roller coaster of emotions which I would not wish upon my worst enemy. The journey has been treacherous, filled with high highs and low lows. One day I am fine, the next day I am wondering what life would be like without me in it. Although I would never act on these negative thoughts, they are not healthy. I have attendend counseling for the last 7 months and have focused on healing my hurt. Now I am at the fork in the road and have decided " I am going this way" ..I chose a path, committed to it and have begun a new chapter in my own story of healing. I am now focused on being holistically healthy, meaning I am striving to achieve mental, spiritual, verbal, emotional and physical healing. In the grand scheme of things all of the above mentioned are equally as important as each other. However, I couldn't have predicted where I would be now 2 years ago. I started my journey praying to God for years to mold me and use me for his will. Once I got out of college in December of 2009 I felt the highest high. I have felt the appreciation, FAITH, or gratitude since then. In January of 2010 I got very depressed and have been struggling since then to heal, change, grow...whatever u want to call it. I am finally in a good place with my mom, which was one of the biggest challenges when I began counseling. Anyways, I used to pray to god to use me as he saw fit. Looking back, I believe God is currently answering my prayers. Apparently, he believed in me and thought I was strong enough to endure this journey of deep sorrow and sadness. I believe that he has exposed me, my hurt, my most intimate feelings for the world to see. My scars are ever present and to move forward as he sees fit I must be open to him and learn what I need so I can keep pushing forward. Although all of life is consumed with growth and change, I believe my change has been substantial. I have only come to the realization today that God is simply answering my prayer. It's just so weird to me because I didn't even realize it for the last year and a half...Now I am left wondering "what's next?" Who am I supposed to help? How will my words impact others?

This is the part where my heart stays open, I stay in touch with my "gut" and I keep pushing forward. On a shitty day I tell myself that it is part of this journey and on a good day I make sure to be the best me, tell people about God and give him all the glory.

Now, my mind is just a wondering. No more God in the passenger seat. Today, I let God back in. He's my shot caller. I am his servant here to do his will.... I just cant believe it took me so long to wake up...

Sorry for the rambling..its my thoughts in their own "order" and shared with you on a blog.

With love,
Jess

A day for the birds!

today has been hectic since i opened my eyes. i mean, im glad i woke up but everything past that point has been pure torture. i woke up at 12 noon today because i took a sleeping pill last night and it knocked me out. i was already kind of in a rush. i had to be across town for 1 pm so i was a little frantic but not really. as i was getting dressed i went into the bathroom to get my engagement ring. to my surprise it was not there. of course i started freaking out and searching for it like a mad woman. needless to say i couldnt find it. so i left and went across town to go to the meeting i had already scheduled. low and behold my cell phone was at 20% battery which meant that it was going to die. and since honda is a POS they woulnt fix my phone charger in my car without charging me an arm and a leg--so i couldnt charge my phone either. i go to the meeting, it goes well and i leave with my bff to go eat at jasons deli. we eat, everything is fine and then we leave. everything is still ok. i go to kohls and then i leave to go to ulta. i pull into ultas parking lot, park and get out of my car. as i am walking into ulta i see a SUV coming my way so i stop walking. apparently the woman driving was too occupied with her call to notice that i was standing there. she just drives right towards me (keep in mind she is flying through the parking lot) and i raise my hands in the air and start screaming. then i see her daughter start yelling at her. next thing i know she jerks the wheel and misses me. i was startled. and then i thought to myself, i should have moved out of the way but i was like a damn deer in the headlights. i just stood there. anyways, i left and came home and fell asleep. maybe i woke up on the wrong side of the bed...im not sure. what i do know is that today has been one for the books. a day that i want to forget.

goodnight,
jess

Forty 8

Today is my mom's 48th birthday!! I thought I would dedicate a special post to her since it is her birthday. I know my blog is about the struggles that I have endured in my life and my current struggles also. There are many times that I hate my mother, don't pick up the phone, or I am ugly to her. I have been on her butt over the last few months to leave me alone. I have tried to set some sort of boundaries with her and stand firm in what I have "demanded" of her. However, I have to give her kudos because she has really honored my wishes and left me alone. It is to a point where we talk only when I call her. It has been rather relieving for once in my life. The crazy part is I went so long without talking to her that I actually picked up the phone and called her. Weird, I know! Anyways, the point of this post is that at the end of the day I love my mom no matter what shit I have went through in life. Everything I overcame and will overcome only makes me stronger and my story becomes much more powerful (whether it be by fault or not).

So today I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my mother...Angie...Lil Wah Wah... Wangie, Wangela, The Wanginator.... I love you!

xo
Jess