Reason # 1: Why I Hate Myself

Yesterday was my weekly counseling meeting. I went and, like always, it was hard. One The assignment my counselor asked me to do this week is particularly hard--if not the hardest one yet. She asked me to list out for her why I hate myself. I know it's hard to admit, much less post it all over the internet but at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow this is how I feel or what I think about. Trust me, I wish it would all go away. I don't like feeling the hurt inside of me. So, I have been thinking about what in fact I hate about myself and why I hate it. The first thing I came up with is I hate my body. Some may ask "what is it that you hate?" What I hate about my body is that it is ugly. It makes me feel ugly. My overweight, out of shape body disgusts me. While it disgusts me beyond measure I do nothing about it. That disgusts me even more. I feel like I am a diva trapped inside a prison--my body. I will go hours without eating, eat, and then binge eat. I never throw up and I don't eat 5 servings but I will eat until I feel sick and feel like I can't breathe. Not good!! So, I am my own worst enemy. I define myself by my body, which is a horrible decision. On top of that, my eating and weight issues are so ingrained in me that I feel like I can not fight this battle alone and come out victorious. No matter how bad I want to work out I am scared to death at the same time. I fear failure, unacceptance...I am scared to let go of a piece of myself, because me being overweight is the only person I have known. I hide behind my weight because behind my weight is a girl whose heart hurts. There is a girl who wants to stand on the roof top and shout out--there is a girl who does not feel worthy or accepted. So reason # 1 of why I hate myself is this--I hate my body and I detest myself for allowing myself to get to this point and for not doing anything about it. Let the healing begin.....

With a heavy heart--Jess

THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR--AND MEGS TOO! (MY P.I.C.)

SO ITS SATURDAY NIGHT AND I AM AT HOME, EXHAUSTED. TODAY I WAS UP AT 7 AM GETTING READY TO GO HOST A FUNDRAISER FOR MY SISTER AMBER. MY FRIEND, MEGAN, AND I HAVE BEEN GOING NONSTOP FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO ORGANIZING DIFFERENT EVENTS TO RAISE MONEY FOR MY SISTER. SHE IS PREGNANT AND HER BABY WILL HAVE TO UNDERGO 3 OPEN HEART SURGERIES IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS, HIS FIRST ONE BEING WITHIN HIS FIRST 10 DAYS OF LIFE..... SO FAR WE HAVE RAISED HALF OF OUR GOAL, WHICH IS SIMPLY AMAZING! IT ONLY TOOK US 2 FUNDRAISER EVENTS TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL-- THE DOWNSIDE IS ALL THE PREPARATIONS AND STRESSING THAT COME WITH COORDINATING FUNDRAISERS; BUT SUCCESS IS SO REWARDING!

LET TALK ABOUT THE GARAGE SALE....THE GARAGE SALE WAS THE FIRST MAJOR FUNDRAISER WE ORGANIZED. IT INVOLVED POSTING INFORMATION ON FACE BOOK, IN THE NEWSPAPER, AND WORD OF MOUTH. ALL ITEMS IN THE GARAGE SALE WERE DONATED FROM RANDOM PEOPLE. THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT WAS ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMING. I'M AMAZED AT HOW GENEROUS COMPLETE STRANGERS HAVE BEEN. FOR THE MOST PART I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A STRONG BELIEVER. HOWEVER, DURING THIS TIME GOD HAS DONE NOTHING BUT STRETCH MY FAITH EVEN FURTHER. THERE IS NO QUESTION IN MY MIND ABOUT HIM. WE HAD AT LEAST A couple DOZEN PEOPLE DONATE ITEMS FOR THE GARAGE SALE...SOME WERE DROPPED OFF, OTHERS WERE PICKED UP...NEEDLESS TO SAY IT WAS EVENTFUL GATHERING EVERYTHING, SORTING IT OUT, AND MAKING IT ALL PRETTY FOR THE SALE.

MOVING ON, THE BAKE SALE WAS TODAY. WE RAISED ABOUT $300 BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I WAS WORN OUT BECAUSE IT IS SO HOT WHERE I LIVE IN LOUISIANA AND WE WERE OUTSIDE FROM 8-2PM. I HAD TO GO TO MY GRANDPARENTS 50TH ANNIVERSARY GATHERING AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO. MY BOYFRIEND AND I ENDED UP STOPPING AT THE RACE TRAC TO GET ME AN ENERGY DRINK SO I WOULDN'T FALL ASLEEP WITH MY FACE IN MY FOOD.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, ALL THE HARD WORK THAT MY DEAREST FRIEND MEGAN AND I HAVE DONE HAS ALREADY PAID OFF. WE HAVE RAISED 1/2 OF OUR GOAL, AND WE STILL HAVE 2 FUNDRAISERS COMING UP. IF I CAN DO ANYTHING, I WOULD HOPE I COULD ENCOURAGE ALL OF YOU OUT THERE TO DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH YOUR SPARE TIME. EVEN IF IT IS JUST 5 MINUTES. YOU COULD BRING THE ELDERLY WOMAN HER NEWSPAPER, LET THE PERSON IN LINE GO BEFORE YOU, OR LET SOMEONE OUT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. IT'S ALWAYS THE SMALLEST THINGS THAT MATTER AND THAT COUNT THE MOST. UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

JESS

he never misses a beat

HEY YALL. ITS FRIDAY NOW AND HERE IT IS 1 AM IN THE MORNING AND IM BLOGGIN!! I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YALL MY SUCCESSFUL DAY THAT I HAD YESTERDAY. IT WAS NOT FILLED WITH ANGER, DEPRESSION, ANNOYANCE, INTERRUPTION--NONE OF IT. I HAD A LOT OF PEACEFUL QUIET TIME, WHICH I YEARN FOR. I ALSO FINISHED CLEANING ALL OF THE LAUNDRY IN THE HOUSE WHICH IS A MASSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT! IT IS SO HARD TO KEEP UP THE LAUNDRY OF 4 ADULTS! YESTERDAY EVENING ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS CAME OVER AND WE BAKED AND PACKAGED THE FRUITY PEBBLE TREATS FOR THE BAKE SALE THIS WEEKEND. THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT HAS BEEN OVERWHELMING! ITS LITERALLY BREATHTAKING. SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO HELP US, THEY HAVE DONATED GOOD, THEIR TIME, OR MONEY.....ALL OF IT HAS BROUGHT US TO THIS POINT AND ITS JUST TREMENDOUS HOW ACCOMPLISHED WE ALREADY HAVE BEEN IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME. AS THE DAYS DRAW NEAR, REALITY REALLY SINKS IN....THIS IS GOING TO BE A HARD ROAD.

I WAS TALKING WITH MY SISTER THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE CAME OVER. I HAD COUNSELING THAT DAY AND I WAS REALLY "FEELING MY INNER SELF." NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS TRYING TO INSPIRE HER TO SEEK HELP HERSELF. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER. BUT I DEFINITELY BELIEVE THAT SHE NEEDS HEALING TOO. WHAT WE EXPERIENCED AS CHILDREN SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED. THE SAD PART IS THAT THERE IS NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT IT. ANYWAYS, AFTER COUNSELING THE OTHER DAY I WANTED TO TALK WITH AMBER. SHE IS ABOUT TO ENDURE A LIFE CHANGING EVENT THAT WILL FOREVER MOLD HER FUTURE INTO SOMETHING RADICALLY DIFFERENT THAT ANY ONE OF US COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED. I KNOW THIS JOURNEY IS GOING TO BE A DAILY STRUGGLE FOR HER. I KNOW HOW MUCH ANGER STIRS INSIDE OF HER. SHE HAD IT BAD. BUT I ALSO WANT HER TO REACH OUT AND GO FOR IT. I REALIZE THAT IT MAY TAKE TIME...BUT GOING TO COUNSELING HAS HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY AND I SO BADLY WANT THAT FOR HER TOO. I WANT HER TO HAVE A GRIP ON HER SELF WHEN MY MOTHER STARTS STIRRING THE POT. I WANT HER TO REALIZE THAT SELF CONTROL OF HER ANGER IS POSSIBLE. SHE EXERCISES IT EVERYDAY, AND WITH HELP OR PROPER GUIDANCE SHE CAN GAIN THAT WITH MY MOTHER ALSO. WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME GOAL IN MIND--TO BE THE BEST MOTHERS WE CAN TO OUR CHILDREN. MY VOID WILL NEVER BE FILLED. HER VOID--MY BROTHERS VoiD--WILL NEVER BE FILLED. THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS ACCEPT WHAT WE CANNOT CHANGE AND TRY TO BREAK THE CYCLE WITHIN OUR OWN LIVES. I ASPIRE TO BE THE BEST ME POSSIBLE, EVEN IF THAT MEANS ADMITTING MY FAULTS AND THE THINGS THAT I AM ASHAMED OF. I SHARE THEM WITH YOU BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY GOD NEVER MISSES A BEAT :) HE ALWAYS SEES THE BIG PICTURE!

WITH LOVE--
JESS

time DOES heal everything

It's Tuesday again--the day I never fail to blog on. Granted, it is late...possibly Wednesday now, but I haven't went to sleep yet so we will just say it's still Tuesday. Anyways, today was a rather eventful day. I slept in this morning, which was nice. I should have gotten up earlier but I just wasn't feeling it today. Damien did not have to work, so I enjoyed my time with him by sleeping in. Well, I finally rolled out of bed at about 10:30 or so. I had to wash my hair because I had left an over night treatment in it. After that I decided to film. I filmed a video and edited it. At this point I was on a time crunch to get to counseling on time. However, I have made it a point to be punctual. My mother is not punctual and that is another habit I want to break. Back to the topic, I edited my video, saved it, and was on my way. I made it to counseling on time....and the hard part began. Overall, today was not a bad day. I didn't cry my heart out; however, I was able to release some of the hurt and anger that brews inside of me. I talked to my counselor about a childhood memory that had came back to me a couple of weeks ago. I am ashamed of it and myself. But, like she said, I was a kid and I was merely mimicking what I had been taught. I also talked to my counselor about a series of other topics which have occurred lately. It sucks cause it is a constant struggle every day. I struggle with my eating, cussing, sleeping in, spending habits, my attitude, anger, the way I handle stress, depression....the list is endless. Nothing is going to stop me though. I am going to "fight to my death!" I crave to be healed and be set free. I want to let go of my baggage and my hurt. I want to help someone else through their struggle, not matter how big or small. I want to make a difference in this world. I recently purchased a devotional just to help me kind of stay on track with my journey. I read the other day that you can't really help someone that needs to be helped until you have endured your own journey with healing. I aspire to be healed and forgive my mother. For once and all I want to "get a divorce" from food. I am tired of slowly killing myself. I will continue to fight and search for my happy place until I find it. Again, I know God has a great, big plan for all of us. I have to let him deal with me (they always say you have to deal to heal) and let him use me the way he sees fit so I can be used for something great later in life. Anyways, I know this entry is vague but it will take time for me to share more in depth with you all. My heart hurts and is heavy but today I took one more step in the right direction. One more little centimeter of my heart was healed.I know one thing is true--Time heals everything....and I can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future....

With Love,
Jess

It's Been...

2 weeks since my last counseling session. I don't know whether it's been a good thing or a bad thing. You see, I am torn because I have realized over the past 2 weeks that I am a little bit stronger than I give myself credit for. However, at the same time, I need to go to counseling because I need to release the anger inside of me. Dealing with oneself, particularly myself, has been the hardest thing I have done thus far in my lifetime. When I started this journey I never thought I would experience intense emotional pain, self hatred, or anger. My anger has probably been the hardest thing to deal with. One minute I am ok, the next I'm crazy. My patience level is non-existent and I am on my edge at any given moment. I do not like this side of myself. I do not like not having any control over my own self. I have days where I just feel helpless and all I want to do is be secluded and not deal or see anyone. Then there are days like today where I am just fine and enjoy myself. I told one of my friends the other day that I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster in the dark and I don't know if I am going up or going down. Dealing with child hood trauma and blaming yourself only compounds the issue. It is not my fault. There is nothing I could have done differently. My mother has issues that run as deep as the ocean. There is and still is not an answer. Today is a prime example. She set me and my sister up to fail, provoked us both, said we were "ganging up on her" and then proceeded to play the victim. While I practiced self control and did not give into her antics, my sister wanted to fight her. She is pregnant and does not need to be in a situation like that. You would think that my mother would be a little more understanding that her own daughter is experiencing stressors that my mother has never had to deal with. Instead, she's rather be the cold hearted bitch that she has always been. To sum it up--I love her, but as much as I love my mother--I hate her the same. I am going to go now because I don't want to deal with this any further. I'll save the heartache and tears for counseling. Until next time.....

Jess
xoxox

2 Weeks Notice....

HELLO ALL. I DECIDED A FEW DAYS AGO THAT I WAS GOING TO GIVE MY BOSS MY 2 WEEKS NOTICE TODAY. I WANTED TO TELL HIM ON FRIDAY BUT I KNEW THAT HE HAD A BIG CLASS AND AN IMPORTANT FAMILY FUNCTION THIS PAST WEEKEND AND I DID NOT WANT TO TAKE AWAY FROM THAT WITH MY "NOT SO GREAT" NEWS. ANYWAYS, I CAME INTO WORK TODAY AND AFTER MY MORNING MEETING I TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON. HE WAS SO KIND AND UNDERSTANDING, WHICH MADE IT MUCH EASIER. I HAVE BEEN THINKING FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW ABOUT WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE. ALTHOUGH I DO FOR MYSELF, I FIND THAT I PUT MYSELF LAST ALSO. I AM CONSUMED WITH LIFE AND THE DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES THAT I NEVER REALLY TAKE TIME FOR MYSELF. I MEAN, I WILL SHOP ON THE WEEKEND OR WATCH TV....BUT I NEVER REALLY TAKE TIME FOR MYSELF. I DONT DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY. PERSONALLY, I AM TIRED OF LIVING MY LIFE LIKE THIS. I WANT TO BE HAPPY, AND WAKE UP WITH A SMILE AND LOOK FORWARD TO GOING TO WORK. LATELY ITS BEEN A DOWNWARS SPIRAL FULL OF UNCAGED EMOTION AND ANGER. I FEEL LIKE I CANT CONTROL MYSELF ANYMORE AND I DONT LIKE IT. FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKENDS I LITERALLY BREAK DOWN AND ACT IN A WAY THAT I HAVE NEVER KNOWN. ITS HARD TO SAY BUT I THINK THAT I HATE MYSELF. I KNOW THAT I DONT LOVE MYSELF BUT I NEVER EVER THOUGHT I WOULD THINK THAT I HATE MYSELF. WELL, SINCE I STARTED COUNSELING I HAVE REALLY BEEN TRYING TO RID MYSELF OF "NEGATIVE ENERGY"--WHATEVER THAT MAY BE. SO WHILE IM IN THIS TRIMMING THE FAT PROCESS I AM MAKING MASSIVE CHANGES IN MY LIFE. FOR ONE, ME AND MY BFF "BROKE UP" A MONTH AGO OR SO. I COULDNT TAKE THE CONTROL ANYMORE. AND NOW, I AM MOVING ON FROM MY JOB. MY BOSS HAS BEEN AWESOME, SUPPORTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING. BUT WITH THE GOOD COMES THE BAD--AND AT THE BEGINNING AND END OF THE DAY IM JUST NOT HAPPY. I DONT LOOK FORWARD TO GOING TO WORK. MAYBE ITS THE DEPRESSION, IM NOT SURE. I DECIDED WITH MY MATE THAT I AM GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF AND TRY TO FOCUS ON MYSELF AND BEING A BETTER ME. I THINK I HAVE GIFTS AND A GREAT PURPOSE BUT I HAVE TO ENDURE THE PAIN AND HEAL SO GOD CAN USE ME THE WAY HE SEES FIT. HE ALWAYS SEES THE BIGGER PICTURE AND I HAVE TO TRUST IN HIM :) SO, AFTER MY 2 WEEKS, I AM GOING TO DOUBLE UP ON COUNSELING AND DIG DEEP TO FIND THAT HAPPINESS THAT ONLY GOD CAN GIVE ME. I KNOW ITS THERE....I JUST LOST IT AND IM GOING TO DO WHATEVER I CAN TO FIND HIM AGAIN!

XOXOX
JESS

No Counseling Today

SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN ON LOVELY OLE TUESDAY. TODAY I WOKE UP FEELING PRETTY CRAPPY. I HAD CRAMPS ALL DAY AND REALLY JUST FELT DRAINED. IT WAS RAINY OUTSIDE AND I WASNT RESTED EVEN THOUGH I HAD SLEPT FOR A GOOD 8 HOURS THE NIGHT BEFORE. I WAS FRANTIC WHILE I WAS GETTING READY. MY CAT,ICHI, PEED ON THE JEANS I WAS GOING TO WEAR. KIND OF A SET BACK, BUT NOT REALLY. I HAD A COUPLE OTHER PAIRS THAT WERE CLEAN. I GOT DRESSED AND AS I WENT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE I NOTICED I COULD NOT FIND MY KEYS. I SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW AND EVEN THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE THAT I MIGHT BE LATE TO WORK FOR ONCE. HOWEVER, WITH LITTLE EFFORT I FOUND MY KEY SITTING ON TOP OF MY COMPUTER PRINTER AND OFF TO WORK I WENT. I GOT TO WORK ON TIME AND DID MY NORMAL DAILY ROUTINE AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS TRYING TO FOCUS ON MY WORK I WAS IN PAIN. A LITTLE WHILE LATER MY BOSS LET ME GO HOME. I CAME HOME, WATCHED A COUPLE TV SHOWS WHILE LAYING IN MY BED AND FELL ASLEEP AT LIKE 1 OCLOCK. I SLEPT UNTIL LIKE 4 OCLOCK OR SO. WHEN I WOKE UP I FELT MUCH BETTER. I AM STILL IN PAIN BUT I DONT FEEL DRAINED ANYMORE. WELL BECAUSE OF THE PAIN AND THE HORRIBLE WEATHER--WE HAD A TORNADO WARNING FOR 6 HOURS--I DECIDED THAT I WASNT GOING TO COUNSELING TODAY. I JUST DID NOT FEEL UP TO IT. I'LL PROLLY REGRET IT FOR THE NEXT WEEK BECAUSE I LOVE HAVING A RELEASE. HOWEVER, NEXT WEEK I WILL HAVE ALL THE MORE TO TALK ABOUT. I HAD A MEMORY THAT I WAS GOING TO SHARE WITH MY COUNSELOR TODAY...I REALLY WANT TO TELL HER ABOUT IT. IT IS ONE OF THE MEMORIES THAT I AM ASHAMED OF. MAYBE I SHALL SHARE IT LATER WITH ALL OF U, BUT IM DEFINITELY NOT PREPARED TO DO SO NOW. ANYWAYS, ITS BEDTIME SO ILL WRITE AGAIN SOON.

XOXOX
JESS

Eating: I Got That "Feeling" Again

THIS EVENING MY FIANCE (WHO I CALL MY BOYFRIEND) WAS LEAVING TO GO OUT WITH MY BROTHER AND ONE OF HIS FRIENDS. HE WAS GOING TO BE A WHILE AND I WAS STAYING AT HOME. WE NEED TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING LIKE YESTERDAY, SO THERE ISN'T MUCH FOOD IN THE HOUSE. (WE ARE GOING IN THE MORNING TO GET FOOD) ANYWAYS, I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO EAT BEFORE HE LEFT SO I WOULDNT BE HUNGRY WHILE HE WAS GONE. GRANTED, I COULD JUST GET IN MY CAR AND GET FOOD MYSELF BUT ITS NASTY AND RAINY HERE IN BATON ROUGE AND ITS MARDI GRAS WEEKEND AND I REALLY DONT WANT TO BE ON THE ROAD WITH ALL THE CRAZIES. SO, ME AND DAMIEN DECIDED TO GO GET SOME TACO BELL. AND THEN IT HIT ME. WE GO TO TACO BELL, HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANT, I TELL HIM, HE ORDERS IT. I CANT BELIEVE HE ORDERED IT FOR ME. I ASKED FOR 3 THINGS. I DID NOT NEED 3 THINGS. THANK GOD I HAVE FOUND A MAN WHO LOVES ME, OVERWEIGHT AND ALL...BUT BACK TO THE TOPIC, HE ORDERS ME THE 3 THINGS I WANT AND I EAT THEM. ALL OF THEM. ON THE WAY HOME I START THINKING AND IT HITS ME. I JUST FELL INTO MY OWN LEARNED BEHAVIOR AGAIN. WHEN I WAS A CHILD IT WAS THE SAME WAY. WE DIDNT HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE, AND EVEN IF WE DID, ITS NOT LIKE I KNEW HOW TO COOK IT. SO WHEN MOM BROUGHT US TO GET FOOD AT A FAST FOOD JOINT, WHICH HAPPENED ALL THE TIME, WE COULD ALL HAVE $3 TO SPEND AND WE HAD TO MAKE IT STRETCH. SO ME AND MY SIBLINGS WOULD ALL ORDER AS MUCH FOOD AS WE COULD FOR $3. TONIGHT, I DID THE SAME THING. WELL ALMOST THE SAME THING. I SPENT MORE THAN $3. HOWEVER, EVEN THOUGH I COULD EAT WHATEVER FOOD I WANTED AND FOR WHATEVER PRICE, I STILL HAD THE SAME FEELING. THE LITTLE WOUNDED CHILD FEELINGS CAME OUT AGAIN TONIGHT. I REALIZED ON THE WAY HOME WHAT I HAD DID. I FELT BAD BECAUSE I HAD ONCE AGAIN ATE AS MUCH AS I COULD SO THAT I WOULDNT BE HUNGRY,AS IF DAMIEN WOULD NOT TAKE CARE OF ME AND FEED ME IF I NEEDED TO EAT. OLD HABITS REALLY DO DIE HARD. SO TONIGHT I HAD ONE MORE REALIZATION. I THINK I AM A BINGE EATER. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. WHEN YOU LOOK UP THE BEHAVIORS OF BINGE EATING I HAVE ALL OF THEM. I JUST DONT THROW MY FOOD UP. WHICH IS PROLLY WHY I HAVE GAINED 40+ LBS IN THE LAST YEAR. I REALLY NEED TO GET A GRIP ON MYSELF FOR MY LIFE, HEALTH, FUTURE CHILDREN AND MY WEDDING LATER THIS YEAR. BUT EVERYTIME I TAKE A FEW STEPS FORWARD I ALWAYS TAKE A MILLION MORE BACKWARDS....THE STRUGGLE IS TREMENDOUS AND AGAIN IT IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST STRONGHOLDS (RIGHT ALONG WITH CUSSING). THANK GOD FOR GOD HIMSELF AND FOR MY COUNSELOR AND FOR THE DOCTOR THAT I WILL BE SEEING SHORTLY TO HELP ME CONQUER MY EATING. THE BAD PART ABOUT THIS WHOLE HEALING THING IS THAT I WANT TO EAT EVEN MORE BECAUSE I EAT MY EMOTIONS AND MY EMOTIONS CONTROL ME, THEREFORE NOW THAT I AM FEELING (AND I MEAN REALLY FEELING THE WOUNDED CHILD IN M) I AM EATING ALL OF MY FEELINGS. I AM EATING EVEN WHEN IM NOT HUNGRY. I MENATALLY BEAT MYSELF UP FOR IT, YET I FALL BACK INTO THE SAME ROUTINE WITHOUT ALMOST ANY RESISTANCE. I'LL PROLLY FALL DOWN 10,000 MORE TIMES, BUT I AM GOING TO PICK MYSELF UP EACH TIME AND CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO BEING A BETTER ME. I'M GOING CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY NOT EVER BE ABLE TO CONQUER ALL OF MY FLAWS OR FAULTS, I WILL BE ABLE TO AT LEAST IMPROVE THEM AND MAYBE EVEN LOVE MYSELF A LITTLE BIT MORE :)

WITH LOVE,
JESS

Cursing: What it Means to Me

Today I ask myself an important question. Why do I cuss? I don't like to do it. It does not add any value or meaning to my life. It makes me look like a troll when I do it. This past week when I went to counseling my counselor asked me why I cussed. She asked me to reflect over it this week, and we will discuss it next time I see her. I have been thinking about her question for 4 days now and I can't say that I have an answer. I do know that when I was a child my mother cussed like a sailor. Everyone knew it. And I mean EVERYONE. For us, it was our normal. But in reality, it is quite far from normal. One of the memories I have of myself is when I was like 4 or 5 years old. I was in my room at my childhood home. The bed was against the left wall, and didn't have sheets on it. We (me and my sis) were all playing...my cousin may have been there too...I don't remember. What I do remember is I was jumping up and down on the bed saying the F word. I was 5 years old. Today I have pointed out to you another one of my strongholds. Cussing is ingrained in me to my core. It is almost as bad as my eating habits. I can say that cussing is not something that I want to have in my life and I think it'll take me a long time to overcome it but I am up for the challenge. In the end of this journey, I simply want to be a better and improved me. I want to be the best Jessica I can be for my future husband and children.

MARDI:3RD TIMES THE CHARM

It's Tuesday again which means it's time for counseling. I had a great day at work. It was a beautiful day outside so when I got to work I raised the window up in my office and let the cool breeze come in. It was perfect; not too hot, not too cold--just right! I had a mountain of work to do but me and Megan turned on the music and went to town on accomplishing our responsibilities. All in all, the work day FLEW by and before I knew it it was 2:15. Time to leave and go to counseling. I was kind of hesitant to go today because I had just gotten into a fight with my brother (he wrote something vulgar on my Facebook) and I was feeling kind of fonky. Also, I was caught up in my work and wanted to complete it all before I left. However, that was not the case. And sometimes you have to just tell yourself  "It will be there tomorrow, It is okay if you do it then." So I took it upon myself to chill out (lol, my nerves were a little crazy from my bro) and I left for counseling. I was a bit irritated on the way there because people in Louisiana do NOT know how to drive. There are slow people in the fast lane, people getting over with no warning (blinkers people) and people lolly gagging along. I was not running late, which makes it more irrational that I was in a rush and acting crazy while I was driving. Anyways, I made it to counseling on time. This time I did not have anxiety on my way there. I actually looked forward to it. It kind of sucks because I had all these things I wanted to say and I felt like fighting with my brother broke my focus. However, I was quick to let that go and really focus on all the things I wanted to tell my counselor. So, I got to counseling and went into my "safe haven." There were so many topics I wanted to cover and I was angry inside from events that occurred over the weekend, or memories that I remembered again from my childhood. I just let it rip. I told my counselor, who is such a  good listener, all of the memories I had over the past week about my childhood. There were so many memories and I did not know where to start. However, once I started talking they all came back to me. I had a great session. Again, my counselor asked me the  hard questions. I had voiced to her that it bothers me that I curse. I identify with being a curser. It is engrained in me from my child hood. It's weird though. Some people I will cuss in front of and others I won't. If I can control myself to not cuss in front of people I respect, then I should be able to not do it at all. So my counselor gave me this food for thought for the week. She asked me to think about what triggers me to curse, what situations or people...etc....That's a big chunk of food for thought. Up until this point  in my life I had never had someone ask me why I love my mother or why do I cuss? Those are two tough questions for me. I know that there are some out there who think it's simple to overcome or think its unquestionable to even think one could not love their parent. I say on the contrary.
Moving on, my counseling session this time was the first one where I did not cry. It was kind of relieving because it is hard letting yourself hurt and be drained only to think about what happened in your last session and have to wait another week to *realllllly* talk about it. So yesterday, I read my own blog that I had posted previousily and it made me cry. Now you might ask, why did your own blog make you cry? Well, my blog made me cry because the person that writes these blogs is the little girl inside of me. My wounded child who is trying to heal. I felt her hurt again yesterday and it made me sad. I mean, she is here and she will never leave me but she is having a tough time dealing.
Anyways, I left counseling with a little bit more healing. It's weird because everytime I go, I feel like 1 centimeter of myself is ok. I always go through a range of emotions but I always end up knowing I made the right choice, even though it's a tough one. With that being said, it is Wednesday...which means it is time for some inspiration for today. Here it goes:

"Forgiveness is not only something God gives us. He designed it to be passed on to others. Doing that, we learn the value of the pardon the Father offered us. Even when everything in us screams "No, I can't forgive," He empowers us to do so, if we trust in Him. Our loving Father never commands us to actions He cannot also streghthen us to do."

This encouragement is exactly what I need to hear. I have at least 4 people that I have carried bitterness around in myself because I have not forgiven them. Some will take longer than others but this is a reminder of what is important and the impossible is, in fact, possible. I hope ya'll enjoyed reading this and I'll be back soon :)

ooooo
Jess