MARDI:3RD TIMES THE CHARM

It's Tuesday again which means it's time for counseling. I had a great day at work. It was a beautiful day outside so when I got to work I raised the window up in my office and let the cool breeze come in. It was perfect; not too hot, not too cold--just right! I had a mountain of work to do but me and Megan turned on the music and went to town on accomplishing our responsibilities. All in all, the work day FLEW by and before I knew it it was 2:15. Time to leave and go to counseling. I was kind of hesitant to go today because I had just gotten into a fight with my brother (he wrote something vulgar on my Facebook) and I was feeling kind of fonky. Also, I was caught up in my work and wanted to complete it all before I left. However, that was not the case. And sometimes you have to just tell yourself  "It will be there tomorrow, It is okay if you do it then." So I took it upon myself to chill out (lol, my nerves were a little crazy from my bro) and I left for counseling. I was a bit irritated on the way there because people in Louisiana do NOT know how to drive. There are slow people in the fast lane, people getting over with no warning (blinkers people) and people lolly gagging along. I was not running late, which makes it more irrational that I was in a rush and acting crazy while I was driving. Anyways, I made it to counseling on time. This time I did not have anxiety on my way there. I actually looked forward to it. It kind of sucks because I had all these things I wanted to say and I felt like fighting with my brother broke my focus. However, I was quick to let that go and really focus on all the things I wanted to tell my counselor. So, I got to counseling and went into my "safe haven." There were so many topics I wanted to cover and I was angry inside from events that occurred over the weekend, or memories that I remembered again from my childhood. I just let it rip. I told my counselor, who is such a  good listener, all of the memories I had over the past week about my childhood. There were so many memories and I did not know where to start. However, once I started talking they all came back to me. I had a great session. Again, my counselor asked me the  hard questions. I had voiced to her that it bothers me that I curse. I identify with being a curser. It is engrained in me from my child hood. It's weird though. Some people I will cuss in front of and others I won't. If I can control myself to not cuss in front of people I respect, then I should be able to not do it at all. So my counselor gave me this food for thought for the week. She asked me to think about what triggers me to curse, what situations or people...etc....That's a big chunk of food for thought. Up until this point  in my life I had never had someone ask me why I love my mother or why do I cuss? Those are two tough questions for me. I know that there are some out there who think it's simple to overcome or think its unquestionable to even think one could not love their parent. I say on the contrary.
Moving on, my counseling session this time was the first one where I did not cry. It was kind of relieving because it is hard letting yourself hurt and be drained only to think about what happened in your last session and have to wait another week to *realllllly* talk about it. So yesterday, I read my own blog that I had posted previousily and it made me cry. Now you might ask, why did your own blog make you cry? Well, my blog made me cry because the person that writes these blogs is the little girl inside of me. My wounded child who is trying to heal. I felt her hurt again yesterday and it made me sad. I mean, she is here and she will never leave me but she is having a tough time dealing.
Anyways, I left counseling with a little bit more healing. It's weird because everytime I go, I feel like 1 centimeter of myself is ok. I always go through a range of emotions but I always end up knowing I made the right choice, even though it's a tough one. With that being said, it is Wednesday...which means it is time for some inspiration for today. Here it goes:

"Forgiveness is not only something God gives us. He designed it to be passed on to others. Doing that, we learn the value of the pardon the Father offered us. Even when everything in us screams "No, I can't forgive," He empowers us to do so, if we trust in Him. Our loving Father never commands us to actions He cannot also streghthen us to do."

This encouragement is exactly what I need to hear. I have at least 4 people that I have carried bitterness around in myself because I have not forgiven them. Some will take longer than others but this is a reminder of what is important and the impossible is, in fact, possible. I hope ya'll enjoyed reading this and I'll be back soon :)

ooooo
Jess