Yesterday was my weekly counseling meeting. I went and, like always, it was hard. One The assignment my counselor asked me to do this week is particularly hard--if not the hardest one yet. She asked me to list out for her why I hate myself. I know it's hard to admit, much less post it all over the internet but at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow this is how I feel or what I think about. Trust me, I wish it would all go away. I don't like feeling the hurt inside of me. So, I have been thinking about what in fact I hate about myself and why I hate it. The first thing I came up with is I hate my body. Some may ask "what is it that you hate?" What I hate about my body is that it is ugly. It makes me feel ugly. My overweight, out of shape body disgusts me. While it disgusts me beyond measure I do nothing about it. That disgusts me even more. I feel like I am a diva trapped inside a prison--my body. I will go hours without eating, eat, and then binge eat. I never throw up and I don't eat 5 servings but I will eat until I feel sick and feel like I can't breathe. Not good!! So, I am my own worst enemy. I define myself by my body, which is a horrible decision. On top of that, my eating and weight issues are so ingrained in me that I feel like I can not fight this battle alone and come out victorious. No matter how bad I want to work out I am scared to death at the same time. I fear failure, unacceptance...I am scared to let go of a piece of myself, because me being overweight is the only person I have known. I hide behind my weight because behind my weight is a girl whose heart hurts. There is a girl who wants to stand on the roof top and shout out--there is a girl who does not feel worthy or accepted. So reason # 1 of why I hate myself is this--I hate my body and I detest myself for allowing myself to get to this point and for not doing anything about it. Let the healing begin.....
With a heavy heart--Jess
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