Eating: I Got That "Feeling" Again

THIS EVENING MY FIANCE (WHO I CALL MY BOYFRIEND) WAS LEAVING TO GO OUT WITH MY BROTHER AND ONE OF HIS FRIENDS. HE WAS GOING TO BE A WHILE AND I WAS STAYING AT HOME. WE NEED TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING LIKE YESTERDAY, SO THERE ISN'T MUCH FOOD IN THE HOUSE. (WE ARE GOING IN THE MORNING TO GET FOOD) ANYWAYS, I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO EAT BEFORE HE LEFT SO I WOULDNT BE HUNGRY WHILE HE WAS GONE. GRANTED, I COULD JUST GET IN MY CAR AND GET FOOD MYSELF BUT ITS NASTY AND RAINY HERE IN BATON ROUGE AND ITS MARDI GRAS WEEKEND AND I REALLY DONT WANT TO BE ON THE ROAD WITH ALL THE CRAZIES. SO, ME AND DAMIEN DECIDED TO GO GET SOME TACO BELL. AND THEN IT HIT ME. WE GO TO TACO BELL, HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANT, I TELL HIM, HE ORDERS IT. I CANT BELIEVE HE ORDERED IT FOR ME. I ASKED FOR 3 THINGS. I DID NOT NEED 3 THINGS. THANK GOD I HAVE FOUND A MAN WHO LOVES ME, OVERWEIGHT AND ALL...BUT BACK TO THE TOPIC, HE ORDERS ME THE 3 THINGS I WANT AND I EAT THEM. ALL OF THEM. ON THE WAY HOME I START THINKING AND IT HITS ME. I JUST FELL INTO MY OWN LEARNED BEHAVIOR AGAIN. WHEN I WAS A CHILD IT WAS THE SAME WAY. WE DIDNT HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE, AND EVEN IF WE DID, ITS NOT LIKE I KNEW HOW TO COOK IT. SO WHEN MOM BROUGHT US TO GET FOOD AT A FAST FOOD JOINT, WHICH HAPPENED ALL THE TIME, WE COULD ALL HAVE $3 TO SPEND AND WE HAD TO MAKE IT STRETCH. SO ME AND MY SIBLINGS WOULD ALL ORDER AS MUCH FOOD AS WE COULD FOR $3. TONIGHT, I DID THE SAME THING. WELL ALMOST THE SAME THING. I SPENT MORE THAN $3. HOWEVER, EVEN THOUGH I COULD EAT WHATEVER FOOD I WANTED AND FOR WHATEVER PRICE, I STILL HAD THE SAME FEELING. THE LITTLE WOUNDED CHILD FEELINGS CAME OUT AGAIN TONIGHT. I REALIZED ON THE WAY HOME WHAT I HAD DID. I FELT BAD BECAUSE I HAD ONCE AGAIN ATE AS MUCH AS I COULD SO THAT I WOULDNT BE HUNGRY,AS IF DAMIEN WOULD NOT TAKE CARE OF ME AND FEED ME IF I NEEDED TO EAT. OLD HABITS REALLY DO DIE HARD. SO TONIGHT I HAD ONE MORE REALIZATION. I THINK I AM A BINGE EATER. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. WHEN YOU LOOK UP THE BEHAVIORS OF BINGE EATING I HAVE ALL OF THEM. I JUST DONT THROW MY FOOD UP. WHICH IS PROLLY WHY I HAVE GAINED 40+ LBS IN THE LAST YEAR. I REALLY NEED TO GET A GRIP ON MYSELF FOR MY LIFE, HEALTH, FUTURE CHILDREN AND MY WEDDING LATER THIS YEAR. BUT EVERYTIME I TAKE A FEW STEPS FORWARD I ALWAYS TAKE A MILLION MORE BACKWARDS....THE STRUGGLE IS TREMENDOUS AND AGAIN IT IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST STRONGHOLDS (RIGHT ALONG WITH CUSSING). THANK GOD FOR GOD HIMSELF AND FOR MY COUNSELOR AND FOR THE DOCTOR THAT I WILL BE SEEING SHORTLY TO HELP ME CONQUER MY EATING. THE BAD PART ABOUT THIS WHOLE HEALING THING IS THAT I WANT TO EAT EVEN MORE BECAUSE I EAT MY EMOTIONS AND MY EMOTIONS CONTROL ME, THEREFORE NOW THAT I AM FEELING (AND I MEAN REALLY FEELING THE WOUNDED CHILD IN M) I AM EATING ALL OF MY FEELINGS. I AM EATING EVEN WHEN IM NOT HUNGRY. I MENATALLY BEAT MYSELF UP FOR IT, YET I FALL BACK INTO THE SAME ROUTINE WITHOUT ALMOST ANY RESISTANCE. I'LL PROLLY FALL DOWN 10,000 MORE TIMES, BUT I AM GOING TO PICK MYSELF UP EACH TIME AND CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO BEING A BETTER ME. I'M GOING CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY NOT EVER BE ABLE TO CONQUER ALL OF MY FLAWS OR FAULTS, I WILL BE ABLE TO AT LEAST IMPROVE THEM AND MAYBE EVEN LOVE MYSELF A LITTLE BIT MORE :)

WITH LOVE,
JESS