anger, molestation & unforgiveness

today was a rather trying day. its not even over yet, but i would like to think that the hard part has came and passed. as many of you know, i often write about my struggles with weight and/or abuse on here. its not easy allowing yourself to be vulnerable, especially to the whole world. but today i got a little bit of insight. you see, the majority of the issues i have stem from my mother....we were abused as children, im talking 2 or 3 years old until i was 12 or so. i have said before that i cant remember alot of my childhood also. well today i was arguing with my mom...im in this phase where im so angry with her and i just want to hurt her like she hurt me...i know that it is not right but easier said then done. well we fought on and off all day and i went to her house to pick up my nephew. while i was there we continued arguing. i told her that i dont have remorse for her because i was simply being heartless. yes, i am human and i told you all that i dont always have an emotional grip on myself. anyways, while we were arguing one thing led to another and next thing i know my mom is crying.she is telling me how sorry she is for the pain she caused me as a child and if she could take it all back she would. i told her that im angry with her because she cant take it back and i cant ever remember my childhood...the part of my life that should have been the best part is gone. she proceeded to tell me that she didnt remember alot of the times she beat us. that was hard for me to grasp. she continued to cry and then she started telling me things that i had never known. see, my mom was molested as a child. every one knows it, but we dont talk about it. she told everyone in me and my siblings life that if they ever molested us she would kill them. needless to say, i was never molested. i cant appreciate what she did for me to protect me because i never will know what its like on the other side. also, i cant appreciate it fully because while she protected me from predators, she was my abuser. my mother then told me in detail about the molestation she endured from the ages of 5-7 years old which made my heart hurt. i never knew all the details, just that it happened. she was shamed, not believed and embarrassed. today i gained a new understanding for my mom, her struggles and her lack of vulnerability. when she was talking to me she told me that she always ran to food because food numbed the pain and it never told her no. she said food was her best friend. that was hard to hear because the last time i went to counseling i told me counselor the exact same thing--that food was my best friend and it helped numb my pain. while im thankful that i was never molested, im sad that my mother hurts so bad inside and im sad that she took out her anger on my and my siblings. i feel bad for being so mean to her but i also want her to know how bad i hurt. i think she may understand pain in a way i cannot. one side of me wants to just love her and the other side of me doesnt know if i will ever be able to fully forgive her. i am DETERMINED to break the cycle with my children if nothing else comes out of this.