tonight i mourn with my wounded child

things have been rather well lately--nothing to complain about. but as the night lingers on and i read my own previous posts they bring me to tears. salt is poured in my wound and the wounded child inside of me hurts again.
i havent been to counseling in 3 weeks now. im scheduled to go on thursday. to be honest, i am really looking forward to it. right when i think i have a grip something reminds me that i dont. lately, i havent been having feelings of self hatred and i havent been mean. really, i've impressed myself. however, i havent had the stressors of everyday life boggling me down either. i think part of me is just going through the motions and the other part of me knows my wounded child is right next to me and im just ignoring her. you see, my anger runs deep. im angry at the world, or anygry at myself. i beat myself up, i dont take compliments well, i dont believe that i can succeed at anything, i give up when i should persevere--another horrible quality that was instilled in me.i still dont know how i finished college because in my 3rd year i wanted to quit so bad. its the accomplishment i am most proud of--because i actually succeeded! any other journey i have embarked on in life has been "terminated" due to my lack of endurance, whether it be exercise, a job, a goal, anything...i always give up. i want you all to know that makeup makes me feel beautiful and makeup helps my wounded child hurt less. i want to tell my wounded child that i am here for her, a grown up me and that i will never let anyone else hurt her again. i WILL protect her, not matter how far i have to go....i will not steal anymore of her memories or make her wish she could wear a pair of shorts. she will have fun, seize the day, remember her friend birthday parties, play like a normal kid and not cook herself meals at 9 years old. she will get a christmas and birthday present every year...she will feel loved and never abandoned. she will have control over herself, she wont drown herself in food, seclusion or material things for happiness. she will search within and find it. she will be set free.