Lately when I think of beauty it is only in the terms of inner beauty. While I enjoy having my vain days and staring at myself in the mirror, I am very focused on my inner beauty. The thing is that I have been struggling for a year and a half to find myself, my identity and "fix" myself. While I know I can not "fix" myself I do know that some major changes need to occur for my to move forward in life and do my calling. I have been focused on dealing with my scars (inner beauty) and that has led to an emotional roller coaster of emotions which I would not wish upon my worst enemy. The journey has been treacherous, filled with high highs and low lows. One day I am fine, the next day I am wondering what life would be like without me in it. Although I would never act on these negative thoughts, they are not healthy. I have attendend counseling for the last 7 months and have focused on healing my hurt. Now I am at the fork in the road and have decided " I am going this way" ..I chose a path, committed to it and have begun a new chapter in my own story of healing. I am now focused on being holistically healthy, meaning I am striving to achieve mental, spiritual, verbal, emotional and physical healing. In the grand scheme of things all of the above mentioned are equally as important as each other. However, I couldn't have predicted where I would be now 2 years ago. I started my journey praying to God for years to mold me and use me for his will. Once I got out of college in December of 2009 I felt the highest high. I have felt the appreciation, FAITH, or gratitude since then. In January of 2010 I got very depressed and have been struggling since then to heal, change, grow...whatever u want to call it. I am finally in a good place with my mom, which was one of the biggest challenges when I began counseling. Anyways, I used to pray to god to use me as he saw fit. Looking back, I believe God is currently answering my prayers. Apparently, he believed in me and thought I was strong enough to endure this journey of deep sorrow and sadness. I believe that he has exposed me, my hurt, my most intimate feelings for the world to see. My scars are ever present and to move forward as he sees fit I must be open to him and learn what I need so I can keep pushing forward. Although all of life is consumed with growth and change, I believe my change has been substantial. I have only come to the realization today that God is simply answering my prayer. It's just so weird to me because I didn't even realize it for the last year and a half...Now I am left wondering "what's next?" Who am I supposed to help? How will my words impact others?
This is the part where my heart stays open, I stay in touch with my "gut" and I keep pushing forward. On a shitty day I tell myself that it is part of this journey and on a good day I make sure to be the best me, tell people about God and give him all the glory.
Now, my mind is just a wondering. No more God in the passenger seat. Today, I let God back in. He's my shot caller. I am his servant here to do his will.... I just cant believe it took me so long to wake up...
Sorry for the rambling..its my thoughts in their own "order" and shared with you on a blog.
With love,
Jess
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