It's Been...

2 weeks since my last counseling session. I don't know whether it's been a good thing or a bad thing. You see, I am torn because I have realized over the past 2 weeks that I am a little bit stronger than I give myself credit for. However, at the same time, I need to go to counseling because I need to release the anger inside of me. Dealing with oneself, particularly myself, has been the hardest thing I have done thus far in my lifetime. When I started this journey I never thought I would experience intense emotional pain, self hatred, or anger. My anger has probably been the hardest thing to deal with. One minute I am ok, the next I'm crazy. My patience level is non-existent and I am on my edge at any given moment. I do not like this side of myself. I do not like not having any control over my own self. I have days where I just feel helpless and all I want to do is be secluded and not deal or see anyone. Then there are days like today where I am just fine and enjoy myself. I told one of my friends the other day that I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster in the dark and I don't know if I am going up or going down. Dealing with child hood trauma and blaming yourself only compounds the issue. It is not my fault. There is nothing I could have done differently. My mother has issues that run as deep as the ocean. There is and still is not an answer. Today is a prime example. She set me and my sister up to fail, provoked us both, said we were "ganging up on her" and then proceeded to play the victim. While I practiced self control and did not give into her antics, my sister wanted to fight her. She is pregnant and does not need to be in a situation like that. You would think that my mother would be a little more understanding that her own daughter is experiencing stressors that my mother has never had to deal with. Instead, she's rather be the cold hearted bitch that she has always been. To sum it up--I love her, but as much as I love my mother--I hate her the same. I am going to go now because I don't want to deal with this any further. I'll save the heartache and tears for counseling. Until next time.....

Jess
xoxox