today was counseling day. i haven't been in 3 weeks and i really looked forward to going today. so i arrived there at 2:30--counseling time. i walked the same walk that i walk every time i go, i moved the orange pillow onto the floor and sat in my beloved "hurt chair" by my sunny window and it was time to dig deep and let some anger out.
for the most part the last few weeks haven't been too hard. i have tried to seclude myself from the stressors of every day life. although this is not always the answer--its the answer right now. anyways, my counselor and i started talking and things were pretty good. but then the hard questions came. she asked me about my last couple of blogs--which were about my anger towards my mom. she asked me specifically to kind of elaborate on my mother being molested and the fight which ensued that day. as i began to talk about it i was okay....but it was hard to tell her that my mother didnt remember beating me. at this point, the tears fell. thankfully, my counselor is so comforting and amazing....its easy to cry in front of her and let myself be vulnerable. you see, my mother doesnt allow that with us...she never makes herself vulnerable to her own children--which makes me present myself to my mother with my guard up--i want to let it down all the time but i dont want to share my inner child with her--i want to protect her....anyways, counseling was hard but refreshing....i left and went to my maw maws house--she is my moms mom. i love her so much because as a child her and my other maw maw always took care of me and my siblings. the majority of my childhood memories are with my grandparents. i always knew that maw maws house was safe, that she would feed and clothe me and protect me...she would love me unconditionally and never let me go without. she made it easy for me to be myself....i was reminiscing today with her and my aunt about my childhood and all the wonderful memories i had at her old house--the kind of memories i lack from my childhood home. maw maw was a neat freak--still relatively is--and she would always catch us sticking the hersheys kisses wrappers in the recliner. she always froze grapes for me and let me sleep right next to her bed. she would make us palettes with sleeping bags on the floor and when paw paw would go to work id get in her waterbed with her. she was and still is the BEST maw maw i could EVER ask for.
while i was at her house today i asked her about my childhood. she told me about a time when i was 3 years old and i came to her house with a black eye. my mother had wrapped a belt around my head and dropped me off at my maw maws house. my aunt told me that i laid in front of the fire place in my grandmothers room (it was HUGE) and she said that she just laid with me on the floor. this broke my heart cause its things like this that i dont remember. granted-i dont want to remember things like that--but it also explains why i cant remember. i told my maw maw that i had anger towards her and my other maw maw because they didnt save me as a child. it was hard to tell her that because i love her so much (my other grandmother passed when i was 12) but i cant blame her either. she did all she could for us kids. her and paw paw were always active in my life and made sure i was safe and loved. i gained a new understanding from her today--she told me that she had did her time raising 5 kids--she was married at 16--and that when my mother had us it was her RESPONSIBILITY to take care of us....and she is right! considering maw maw and paw paw didnt have custody of us--they played a MAJOR role in our lives.
today i understand better why i cant remember.....its just God protecting me. and i should thank him for that.
what i do know is that im going to continue fighting this war and i will finish victorious--its just going to take a while.
with an extremely heavy and drained heart--jess
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